Co-written with Stacey N.
The sauce was too thick, he decided. He had put in too much Kadellan flour. He muttered a mild curse and stepped over to the sink for some water to thin it out. He could just see her now. “This is good, honey…but you had to thin it out again, didn’t you?” He smiled at the thought. She had never been fooled by him. Well, almost never, and never for very long.
Glancing at the wall chronometer, he ladled the now-watery sauce over a dish of simple brown rice. Amazing how that plain Earth staple seemed to harmonize with every topping known in this quadrant of the galaxy. He put the bowl on the tray in front of him, and studied it critically. It looked too empty. Letting his eyes roam about the tidy kitchen, he spied a single rose in a vase on the dining table and retrieved it. It brightened the food considerably.
“Knock-knock-anyone home?” A voice suddenly called from the living room.
“In here, Julian.”
Dr. Julian Bashir poked his head in around the doorway. “Oh, hi. Getting her supper ready?”
“Yes.”
Bashir inspected the food carefully, then nodded, satisfied. “Looks good. Nutritionally sound.”
“Thank you so much for your approval.”
The doctor ignored the sarcasm. “You know, you really should engage the identilock. The First Minister’s house shouldn’t be accessible to the public.”
“I must have forgot.”
“Well, try to remember. She’s not exactly in any condition to fend off assassination attempts right now.” He paused. “You want some help with that?”
He smiled, picking up the tray. “No, thank you.” The doctor had changed little in the years since they had worked together on DS9, though the sunlight streaming in through the window did catch the prominent gray in his hair. “I can handle it.”
Bashir shrugged. “Suit yourself.”
They went up the stairs quietly, just in case she was sleeping. But the creaky stairs in the old Bajoran house betrayed them, and they heard her call out from the bedroom. “Hey, is that supper?”
“Yep.” Bashir entered the bedroom first. “Specially made for our First Minister,” he grinned. “How’re you feeling, Nerys?”
Nerys shrugged, pushing back her long auburn hair. “All right, I guess.” Her gaze shifted, and she grinned as her food was placed before her. “You had to water it down again, didn’t you, Odo?”
“Only a little,” Odo said defensively.
Her grin widened, and she took his hand in hers. “Just the way I like it.” She turned to Bashir, her pale lips forming a frown. “Now, Julian, why on Bajor are you here?”
Bashir looked offended. “You’re my patient, Nerys.”
She waved her hand weakly. “Bah. You were supposed to leave yesterday. I may be dying, but I’m not stupid. You should be at that Cherry colony by now.”
“Ch’ari colony,” Bashir corrected absentmindedly, pulling a tricorder out from his medkit. “And you’re not dying, Nerys. This new medication seems to be helping.”
She managed a shrug. “If you say so. But you’re still supposed to be off Bajor.”
“I had unfinished business,” Bashir informed her briskly. “Business that was more important than getting to a colony on schedule, even if it is the first United Colony between the Dominion and the Federation.”
“I’m flattered.” Nerys smiled, and squeezed Odo’s hand. “But I’m sure Odo and I will survive with another doctor.”
“And Ch’ari Medical Center can survive with another head doctor, too,” Bashir insisted.
Nerys sighed in frustration. “Listen, Julian, don’t get yourself in trouble on my account. I’m not trying to insult you, but you don’t know any more about Karxinine syndrome than any other doctor. The colony needs you more than I do.”
After a few moments of looking properly abashed, Bashir echoed her sigh. “All right, all right. I’ll leave tomorrow, if it makes you happy.”
“Thank you.”
Bashir gathered up his things with a disgruntled look on his face. “I never thought someone would be so glad to get rid of me.”
“Oh?” Nerys smiled sweetly. “You should think more often, doctor.”
He narrowed his eyes dangerously, but couldn’t suppress a chuckle. “I don’t know how you can live with her, Odo.”
“It is a constant trial,” Odo replied seriously, ignoring the slap on the arm Nerys gave him.
“I believe you.” Bashir walked over to the door. “I’ve got to get going, then, if I want to catch the next trip through the wormhole.”
“Are you sure you can’t stay for supper?”
He looked at the smothered rice on her tray. “Ah…no, thank you. I really don’t seem to have an appetite right now.”
His eyes lifted and met Odo’s. “Can I talk to you for a moment, Odo?”
“Of course.”
“She’s not doing any better,” Bashir said grimly after they had left the room. “But she’s not doing any worse, either, so there is a positive side to that.”
“Is it the new prescription?” Odo asked, hesitant. “Is that helping?”
Bashir rose his hands helplessly. “I don’t know, Odo. I’m sorry, but I just don’t know. Some people with this disease just recover spontaneously. Others just waste a…well, anyways, nothing we give her seems to have any effect. I can alleviate the symptoms, but other than that..” he shook his head. “I’m sorry.”
“I understand,” Odo said stoic. “Thank you.”
The doctor’s mouth twisted wryly. “Sure. Make sure you keep in touch now, all right?”
“All right.”
Bashir sent one last glance towards their bedroom. “Good bye, Odo.” He left.
Nerys had pulled herself up to a sitting position by the time Odo entered their room again. Her gaunt face, its paleness so different from the vibrant beauty he remembered, was drawn into a serious expression. “I’m not getting any better, am I?” she said flatly.
“Of course you are.” Odo denied her claim vehemently. “Julian said you’re not getting any worse.”
“But I’m not getting any better.”
Odo didn’t say anything for a moment. “Do you feel like eating?” he finally asked.
“I’m not hungry.”
“But you need…”
“I said I’m not hungry!!” she shouted suddenly, startling him, and knocking the bowl off the tray. It landed on the floor with a clatter.
Odo recoiled the slightest bit, and the feverish light in her eyes dimmed. She looked shocked. “Oh, I’m sorry, Odo. I’m so sorry. I didn’t meant to…”
“Shh,” he calmed. The compassion that would have been so awkward on his face ten years ago rested comfortably there now. “Don’t worry about it. I can clean it up.”
Nerys kept her dull brown eyes on the wall across from her. “It’s just…I’m scared, Odo. I’m so scared.” Her eyes shifted and met his, a spark of wry humor lighting their depths. “Isn’t that ironic? I faced death a hundred times during the Resistance, and then during the civil war Winn started, it was almost a given that I would be killed. And yet, I was never afraid. Not the way I am now.” She looked in disgust at her emaciated body. “But I’m terrified to die here, in this bed, helpless and…and useless. I don’t want to be a burden, Odo.”
“You could never be a burden, Nerys.”
The earnestness in his voice made her look at him, and her expression softened. “I love you, Odo.”
He bent over and kissed her ever so softly on the lips. “I love you too.”
She smiled and closed her eyes. “I’m going to take a nap. Maybe later I’ll be able to eat something.”
“All right.”
Odo bent over to clean up the mess on the floor, but was almost immediately interrupted by a chirp from the bedroom vidphone across the room. He glanced a it, annoyed, but walked over to answer it anyways. After instructing the computer to display the message, his eyes widened and a silly grin spread across his face.
“Finally!” He exclaimed out loud, “It’s finally a home!” He spun. “Nerys, wake up! They’ve found us a baby! The adoption agency just called; they’ve found us a six-month old baby girl! Nerys, a baby!” He ran to the side of her bed, then stopped abruptly. “Nerys?”
She made no answer. Feeling the first shivers of an unfamiliar panic creep up through his mass, he shook her gently. “Nerys, wake up. We’ve got our baby. Do you hear me? Nerys!” He grabbed her hand, searching for a pulse. He found none. “Nerys, wake up! Please, you’ve got to wake up. We’re finally going to be parents!”
Nerys made not reply. “Please, Nerys, listen.” Odo’s voice had quieted to a whisper. “You’ve got to wake up. Can’t you do that? Wake up.”
Silence reigned, and Odo finally dropped her hand. His features sagged, his will no longer strong enough to keep the form solid. He punched Dr. Bashir’s pager code into the viewscreen after leaving the bedside.
“Bashir here,” Odo heard. “Odo, is that you? Why’d you call?”
“Nerys…I…”
Nothing more needed to be said. Nothing more could be said. “Oh, gods. Odo, don’t go anywhere. I’m on my way.”
The screen blinked out, but Odo didn’t notice. He felt tears falling down his face, and for one moment a thought flashed through his mind, How can I be crying? I have no tear ducts, before the rest of him dissolved and congealed into a lifeless puddle on the floor.
(-|-)
“…may she live in the Celestial Temple in peace, and walk beside the Prophets forevermore. And so we commit the body of Odo Nerys to the ground, beloved wife and cherished friend.” Kai Tarelli lowered her arms and looked out at the large congregation before her. The death of Bajor’s First Minister was no small thing. “There will be a reception at the temple one hour from now for close friends and family. The service is over.”
Soft murmuring and stretches began at those words as if a switch had been thrown. People left the graveyard quietly, recovering from the six-hour long Bajoran death chant. Only few remained.
“It was a beautiful ceremony.”
“Yes, it was,” Odo agreed quietly, not looking at Bashir, who had come up behind him. “Very beautiful.”
They were silent for a few minutes, and soon they were the only ones left. Bashir shifted from foot to foot. “We should get to the reception, Odo. They’ll be expecting you.”
“Only a moment more.” Odo moved towards the grave, and Bashir noticed with some alarm that the motions were stiff and jerky, without any of the fluid grace that usually characterized the former chief of security. The shapeshifter bowed his head as he neared the grave, and whispered something that was swept away with the wind. Bashir waited patiently, his hands folded complacently behind his back, feeling superfluous, but not wanting to leave his friend just yet.
“All right,” Odo finally said, turning his back on the grave. “We can leave now.”
(-|-)
The temple was full of people, many Odo recognized and some he did not. He wandered among the throng, murmuring replies to the many condolences he received. He noticed that Bashir was never very far from him, and found that oddly comforting. The doctor had borne the brunt of Odo’s grief over the past few days, even if he hadn’t realized it.
“You haven’t changed a bit.”
Odo stopped. He recognized that voice.
“Oh yes he has. He’s changed his clothes.”
Turning so he could face the newcomers behind him, Odo put a plastic look of welcoming on his face. “Ambassador Sisko, it’s good to see you again.” He moved slightly to face the other. “You too, Captain.”
“How many times have I told you not to call me Captain?” Jadzia Dax said with a smile. “Nerys and I have been best friends for years now, and you still can’t learn to use my first name.”
“I’m sorry, Jadzia.”
“Finally!” The smile on the statuesque Trill’s face faded. “And I’m sorry too, Odo. Nerys was a wonderful woman.”
“Yes, she was.” Odo’s face felt frozen. He didn’t think he could alter the mask anymore, even if he wanted to.
“Ambassador, how’s your wife?”
“If you can call her Jadzia, you can call me Benjamin,” Sisko said seriously. “And my wife’s fine, though I think she misses captaining that freighter more than she admits.” A smile spread across his face. “But now that the Romulan-Federation treaty’s signed, we’ve been thinking of taking a sabbatical. A two or three year sabbatical.” The grin widened. “We’re going to tour the Delta quadrant. We’ve got all the star charts from Voyager, and since she’s returned a lot of ships have gone there for research. We want to get there before all the mystery’s lost. Besides,” Sisko’s grin faded, but the light in his eyes brightened, “we think it’s finally time to try for a baby.”
We were trying too. “Congratulations.”
“Thank you.” Sisko shrugged thoughtfully. “Well, Jake’s gotten kind of hard to cuddle.”
“I’d imagine so,” Odo agreed. “How is Jake anyways? I read his last book. It was really very good.”
“He’s great. He wanted to be here, but he’s getting married next month and is really quite busy.”
“He’s getting married?”
“Yeah, amazing, isn’t it? But, he’s 27 and knows what he’s doing. And she’s really a sweet girl.”
“I’m sure she is.”
Bashir came up beside them. “Hi, Jadzia. Hello, Ambassador. How are you two doing?”
“Julian!” Dax exclaimed, hugging him fiercely. “What are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be on that Cherry colony by now.”
“Ch’ari colony,” Bashir corrected, perturbed. “I postponed leaving for a few days. Nerys was…a special patient.” He paused. “And a friend.”
There was a period of awkward silence. Finally Dax spoke. “Amazing how Nerys had so many friends I didn’t know about. I don’t seem to recognize a tenth of the people in this room.”
“They’re not her friends,” Odo said, and for a moment a bit of the familiar old cynicism crept into his voice. “She was the first minister of Bajor for seven years, remember. Most of these people are minor officials who are groveling for her position. It would be a scandal for them not to show up.”
Dax chuckled richly. “Standard bureaucratic system. Joran Dax always felt that if we could get rid of the bureaucracy, we’d all be living in a Utopia.”
“You’d have to get rid of the lawyers too,” Sisko added, then glanced at his chronometer. “Well, Odo, I’ve really got to get going. It’s been great seeing you again, even if it is under such sad circumstances.”
“Thank you for coming,” Odo replied, four words that would become routine by the end of the evening.
“I should be leaving too,” Jadzia said, kissing Odo’s cheek. “Listen, Odo, don’t beat yourself up over this. If it’s any consolation, remember that Nerys will always live on in our memories. There is always a place where death cannot reach.”
“Of course.” Odo watched her leave, feeling utterly alone even though surrounded by the teeming crowd. There is always a place where death cannot reach. A pretty phrase, but not… much…truth…His thoughts froze. A place where death…
“Odo?”
For a brief moment, his mind went back to a time when his name had meant nothing. Then he had shared his name with Nerys, and it had come to symbolize them. Now that she was gone, it just meant nothing, again. But he had other things on his mind now. Ignoring Dr. Bashir, Odo let his thoughts begin to race. A place where death cannot reach. A possibility. A chance. Commander Sisko had once found Jennifer…perhaps he could find…
“Odo, are you all right?”
Odo brushed the doctor’s comforting hand off his arm. “Yes, yes. I’m fine.”
“Are you sure?”
“Of course.” Odo turned and looked at him, his eyes wild. “Doctor, do you know where Chief O’Brien is?”
“O’Brien?” The Terran was floored by this sudden question. “He’s still on DS9. Why?”
“No reason.” A place where death cannot reach. “I have to be going now, Doctor.”
“Going?”
“Thank you for coming.”
Bashir watched the shapeshifter stride off, a worried look in his eye. He had never seen Odo act so irrationally. There had been something in his eyes…that frightened him. Something, something not entirely sane. Besides, what in the galaxy could he want O’Brien for?
(-|-)
“Odo! This is a surprise.”
“Hello, Chief,” Odo said into the viewscreen.
“Well, actually, it’s lieutenant now,” O’Brien corrected.
“Oh, yes. I forgot.” Odo hesitated for a slight moment. “Am I interrupting anything? There’s a lot of noise in the background.”
“Nah. Molly’s having a fight with her little brother. Jason’s promised to follow Molly and her boyfriend out tonight. Her boyfriend-a Cardassian, of all things, Garak’s nephew, can you believe that?-is supposed to come over for supper tonight.” O’Brien made a face. “He’s really a very nice boy, and that’s the worst of it. His mother sent him here because he refused to go to a Cardassian military school. I think it’s supposed to be a punishment, but Molly and him certainly don’t treat it that way.” The Irishman’s face became serious. “Anyways, are you doing all right? I heard about Nerys.”
“I’m fine. I trust you are as well.” Odo tried to keep the impatience out of his voice, well aware that things would appear strange if they didn’t observe the customary pleasantries.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Still trying to fix up this hunk of junk.” O’Brien winced at a shout in the background, followed by a blood-curdling scream. “So, what can I do for you? I doubt you called to listen to my children kill each other.”
“No, I need to ask a…a favor.”
“Shoot.”
“Do you remember when Sisko was still commander of the station?”
“Of course.”
“About ten years ago, Sisko was kidnapped by you-from the alternate universe. That O’Brien had devised a device that could alter a transporter so it could transfer matter from one universe to another. If I remember correctly, you said you were going to try and figure out how that thing worked.” Odo paused. “Did you ever do that?”
“Yeah-well, sort of. The design I came up with couldn’t connect with that universe, but it could transmit matter between another alternate reality. The problem is, my model would short out after just one round trip, and since you could never find exactly the same universe again with another model, it was really kinda useless.” O’Brien studied the shapeshifter curiously. “Why do you ask?”
“I’ve become quite interested in transporter mechanics lately,” Odo replied glibly. “I suppose you could call it a hobby. I’m very curious to see how your device would work, just out of curiosity, of course.”
“Oh.” O’Brien shrugged. “Okay. Let me clear it with Commander Shelby, and I’ll get the specs on it to you by tomorrow.”
“Is that necessary?”
“Clearing it? You know it is. The device is experimental equipment. I can’t just give out technical specs after I’ve relinquished the design to Starfleet,” he smiled. “But don’t worry, Odo. Shelby may be a tough woman, but I’m sure I can get clearance. It’s not like you’re planning to use this device, just study it, right?”
“Of course.”
(-|-)
Odo was waiting.
The room was dark, and the stars shone outside, and there was really no reason for him to be sitting silently in his chair, forcing himself to keep a form that kept fighting against him.
But he was waiting.
And as he waited, thoughts, memories crawled from the bottom of the well of his subconscious mind. Memories of Nerys-of how their friendship had bloomed suddenly, not long after Vedek Bareil’s death…
You have to save him, Doctor.
…how he had watched, helpless to help, as her grief had torn at her…
Can’t you save him?
…how Doctor Bashir had decided not to go ahead with replacing the rest of Bareil’s deteriorating mind with positronic implants…
`your touch…like a distant memory…
…how Kira (Kira, she had been Major Kira to him then) had died a little that day…
Can’t you save him?
…how he had died a little himself, realizing that she could never really feel that way about him…
I love him.
…that even years after, she still mourned the anniversary of his death…
I love him.
…and he knew, that if Bareil had lived, Nerys never would have known…
I love him.
…that he had loved her too.
(-|-)