NOTE: The “Gap” is not a reference to the store, even though that’s where the phrase comes from. No, the “Gap” is that much beloved, much hated, agonizingly non-apparent closet scene from “YACI.”
“You’re in a good mood,” Odo said, noting the difference from the otherwise sullen mood she had been in.
“Well, it’s a good party,” Kira replied, keeping her eyes firmly on the party. If she didn’t look at him, then she could pretend it was security and not someone she had many things to talk to about.
“Well…” he said, uncomfortable in the rather flamboyant atmosphere, especially if she wasn’t going to acknowledge his presence more than simply as his role as a security officer. He turned to leave.
“Odo…” she said to stop his egress. “Odo…” Another pause, what could she say to him? But the insistence that they needed to talk, that she couldn’t just ignore the situation until a more “convenient” time, nagged at her. “I think we have a lot to talk about.”
“I agree.”
“So let’s talk,” she pleaded, hoping to get past his defense.
“Now?” he asked, as his mind shouted Here, in the middle of a group of people?
“Don’t you think we’ve put it off long enough?” she countered, the irrefutable statement eliminating any chance he had of leaving.
“Enjoy yourselves,” he said to the two officers behind him.
“Let’s um… find someplace a little quieter.” She grabbed his arm and neatly dragged him off.
They had been in Dax’s bedroom for some time, and they weren’t getting anywhere. They could still here evidence of the party just outside the door, the door Odo was constantly eyeing, nervous that at any time it would open with someone to interrupt them. Not to mention the pacing.
“Odo, this isn’t working,” Kira finally admitted.
“Well, perhaps tomorrow…” Odo offered, looking for an escape. It was torture to just wait in the same room with her. He knew what she was waiting for, waiting for him to start talking.
“I’ve got a better idea, come on.” As she stood, Odo half expected her to led him out into that party again, something he desperately wanted to avoid.
“Where…” but his question was answered as she pulled him over to the closet.
At first they stood next to each other in the cramped room, but it was just big enough for two people and the music of the party disappeared.
“So,” Kira said, taking a seat on a storage container and waiting as Odo did the same. She opened her mouth to speak, but found no words. “What the hell happened between us, Odo?” she finally asked, exasperated by the past few months.
“Before or after?”
“Before,” Kira replied, knowing that he was referring to his encounters with the Founder by his downcast gaze. “Before she even came into the picture, things were changing between us. What happened?”
“The fight in Quark’s,” Odo said after a pause. He saw Kira start to protest and then to bite back her argument. She was waiting for an explanation. “If I had been just another Bajoran during the Occupation, I don’t think I ever would have joined the Resistance. It’s not that I didn’t want to see Bajor free, but I don’t like to use force. Too many people have died just because someone was in a hurry to get something done. As it was, I wasn’t Bajoran, I stayed as neutral as I could, but even that failed after awhile. I’d start to make mistakes, I could feel myself being pressured by the tension of the Occupation, but at the same time I thought it was in my best interests to stay where I was.
“But this time it was different. This time they were coming into my home, your home, and the home of our friends. And yet, I still didn’t do anything. I kept thinking ‘what if I do something and get caught, then I won’t be around when it really would have made a difference. Someone might die because I make another mistake.’ I wasn’t prepared to let that happen.”
“So when I went ahead with the plan to plant Damar’s padd…” Kira prompted after a solemn moment.
“I felt it was unnecessary. The last thing I needed to deal with was increased tension between the Cardassians and Jem’Hadar. And not knowing meant I wasn’t around, I couldn’t make sure that nothing happened that… that…” Odo paused, fighting his reserve.
“That would have endangered me,” Kira whispered, almost to herself. All the times Odo had saved her life or prevented her from doing something that might have gotten her killed flashed through Kira’s mind.
“And then she showed up.” Kira’s full attention was once again on Odo as he continued, neither confirming her conclusion nor denying it. “You were so involved in the Resistance that we had stopped talking, and started arguing, always vying for position of a sorts. Suddenly I found myself on the council with Weyoun and Dukat and no one to turn to. No, it wasn’t your fault… entirely. I should have told you. But when she showed up…” Odo paused, collecting his words. “The Founders have always tried to get me to turn my back on the solids, to turn my back on you, and when she showed up on the station that day, I hadn’t been listening to you enough, to what you meant underneath your words, and it felt as if… as if you had turned your back on me.” Odo glanced up at Kira’s face, registering the shock that lay there, before continuing.
“There was so much tension, and all I wanted, all I needed was peace of mind, peace of self. It was something I had come to rely on as part of our friendship, and then she came along and offered the same thing… or so I thought.”
“Then… then you didn’t find what you were looking for in the Link?” Kira asked.
“In a manner of speaking. She did give me peace, and at first I thought she was listening to me. She took away all my pain, brought me out of the war into some other place where time didn’t exist. I lost track of the days, she made me lose track. And I didn’t care. Nothing else was important, nothing but the Link. Everything was so simplified.”
“What changed?”
“She started to use me. I should have recognized it sooner, but…” He let the sentence hang, not knowing why he hadn’t noticed. “I became her puppet that she was trying to teach how to dance. She kept asking, probing me for insights and answers. Hmph, she even wanted to know how solids showed intimacy,” he said, the last word fading into a whisper.
Kira’s posture straightened a little. “You mean… you two, you…”
Odo merely nodded, raising his head a bit to look into the dark corner of the closet. “I think that was one of the first things that made me wary of the Link. The se… it was flat, emotionless, nothing like it was with Arissa.”
“Odo,” Kira asked, staring at the floor, “why… why did you keep your relationship with her from me? I mean, I didn’t even know you two were intimate until now.” She saw the look of astonishment on his face. “Oh, Dax kept hinting at it the morning you were late for that meeting, but I didn’t want to believe her. I figured, ‘he’ll tell you, Nerys, something that important in his life, someone that important in his life, he’ll tell you about.’ Not that I was expecting a full report, but you’ve never even mentioned her name to me. Why… why not?”
“It’s not something that’s very comfortable to talk about,” Odo said, a sad memory haunting his words.
“I understand,” Kira said, letting him off the hook. “So, the Link, you turned your back on it, on your people — why?”
“She kept reassuring me, kept coddling me as if I was no more than a child. I was confused, and then I only knew that I was letting you down. I tried to explain, tried to apologize, but…”
“But I wouldn’t listen. I remember,” Kira said, recalling the brief hallway conversation.
“Which was just as well, because I don’t think I would have known what to say anyway. She had me so wrapped up and into myself.” His tone voiced his frustration at being manipulated. “And then, after the fighting had begun, and you had been arrested, she… she made a mistake. She forced a decision on me, between the Link and the solids. She threatened you.”
“Me? Why would she threaten me?”
“She said that since you had been arrested, you would be found guilty and sentenced to death. ‘Her death is your salvation,’ she said.” Odo cringed a bit at remembering that conversation, the tumult that had exploded inside of him. “I couldn’t let her do that, but I was still too disconcerted that I didn’t what I could do… until I heard that you had escaped. I tracked your movements and figured out what you planned to do, and I also knew that they would be after you.”
“You saved the station, Odo, hell, you saved the entire Alpha Quadrant. You have to give yourself some reprieve for that! The minefield might have come down, but you enabled us to give the Defiant a clear path to the wormhole.”
Odo shook his head. “None of that mattered. I could have cared less about this station or the Defiant or the entire Alpha Quadrant, for that fact.”
“Then why help us?”
“I wasn’t. I was making sure you didn’t killed. It was the one thing the Link couldn’t compete with: you. I… I love you too much to let anything happen to you.” Odo stared into Kira’s eyes and waited in the silent room.
(-|-)
If someone had asked her later, Kira would have been unable to tell them how much time passed before her eyes broke the spell his words and stare had cast over her. She knew she should say something, but she was unsure of what.
“I suppose I could say thank you, Odo, but that seems a bit too cold for friends. I guess it’s just that for the past months, I’ve been wondering… questioning just how far you…”
“How far I could be trusted? Nerys, I need to ask you a question again, one that I asked you during the Occupation: that day in my office, were you questioning my loyalty?”
The “no” formed on Kira’s lips in the blink of an eye, but something stopped the word.
“Ah, I see,” Odo said, registering the hesitation.
“No, Odo, wait. I need to explain… if I can. Almost every bone in my body is screaming no, that there’s no way I’d ever think of doubting you, of not trusting you, but there’s a little part of me, buried deep down… I think it’s part of my pagh after the Resistance that says if someone’s not on my side completely, then they’re against me. I can’t get past it, and with the Cardassians all over the place, and us forming a “Resistance,” I guess it just stirred up a lot of bad memories and feelings on my part.”
“So what about after I had linked with the Founder?” Odo hedged, shifting position slightly.
“I guess,” Kira started, looking to the bracelet on her wrist for answers as it jangled a bit, “it was just an added element to something that was already getting away from me. The Resistance didn’t seem to be even making a difference, but we all needed to feel like we were doing something so plotted. But none of it really hit home until I didn’t have your support. Something in the back of my mind thought it was just another mission; Sisko, Dax and the others were just off fixing some problem and then they’d be back, just like before.
“And then I turned around one day and you weren’t there. I was left dealing with Rom, Leeta and Jake for Prophets’ sake!” Kira half-laughed at the situation. “It was like not knowing who you were anymore and I just couldn’t… oh, I don’t know, Odo. I feel like I’m running circles here.” Now it was Kira who felt the need to pace, but to do that she would essentially have to leave and she wasn’t prepared to do that.
There was silence for several moments, until Odo spoke, his voice ragged with pain.
“Nerys, I… I know I’ve told you this before, but maybe this time you could accept it?”
“What is it, Odo?”
“I am sorry.” He noticed Kira bite back on her temper as it bubbled up from deep within her. “I suppose I’m still sorting it all out, and what it is that I’m sorry for, but I hope this time you can accept my apology.”
Kira paused. There were so many things from this second Occupation that she wanted answers to: how he had so easily shucked off her friendship of five years, how he had brought up the difference between changelings and solids — something, that while he was still clinging to, had never manifested itself so matter of factly and concrete…
“I’ll try, Odo, if you can tell me one thing.”
“Which is?”
“What’s missing in your life, Odo? What made the Link more precious than the lives of so many close friends? What did you find there?”
Odo knew what she was asking, knew it could not be simply pushed aside by telling her she would not understand — because he was not as sure that that assessment was true — but knowing too that there was something about the Link that transcended the Link itself.
“Understanding,” he said, closing his eyes as he remembered the beauty of it and the pain of being separated from it. “Nobody has ever understood me so perfectly or given me the pieces to questions… She knew everything in an instant, knew who I was.”
“Odo, I think it’s time you realized that’s what friends are supposed to be for. When you let someone inside of you, give them a little piece of yourself each time you talk to them even if it’s as simple as saying hello… Help me, Odo. Help me understand you.”
“I’m… I’m not sure what…” Odo stammered.
“Just tell me about yourself. By the Prophets, Odo, you’ve been one of my closest friends for the past five or six years now and I hardly know anything about you. You keep it bottled up and tucked away so far that nobody gets into you. I’m asking you… I’m asking you to trust me and to let me in.”
“Why should you trust me? I’ve already broken my word to you once when I linked with her again.” Odo felt something tighten inside of him. He had known he was breaking his word, had known it was wrong, but he also knew that she could not possibly know what the Link was like, could not perceive that he was in no danger — or so he had thought.
“Odo, I am amazed,” Kira said, a half-smile forming.
“At what?” he asked, noting the smile. How long had it been since he had seen that radiant smile?
“At how you can make such a great investigator when you constantly shift the blame to yourself.” She paused to put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “I was just as obstinate and stubborn through all of this as you were. Besides, I didn’t exactly take your opinions to heart at times either.”
Odo’s mouth curved a little, forming the ghost of a smile that made him so endearing.
“Odo, tell me a story, your story.” Kira rearranged herself into a more comfortable position in the small closet.
“Well, I was found in the Denorios Belt…” he started hesitantly.
“No, not that. I want to know the things that aren’t in your profile, things you would only tell a friend… if I still fit that description.”
Odo paused; he had never truly had cause to tell anyone much about his past. Oh, certain people new certain parts, and pieced together they might all be able to draw a sketchy picture of his life but it would be incomplete.
“Before they discovered me in the Belt, I don’t really have many memories, just this sense of some great emptiness, so empty that it suffocates your soul.” His eyes shifted to a shadow of their former brightness as the days, the weeks, the years took over.
“In the beginning, I didn’t know who or what I really was. Mora and the other scientists didn’t know either, and in a way I guess that was my first break. If the Cardassians had realized what I was and what I was capable of, I doubt I’d be who I am now. But, as it was, I was left in a container, hastily marked with the word ‘odo’ital’ which translates into…”
“Nothing,” Kira whispered. When Odo looked at her questioningly, she explained, “All those late nights sneaking up on Cardassian outposts… it was the best part of what the guards said if someone slipped up. I guess they figured it was just the wind. It’s strange I never made the connection.”
“Why would you? No one would expect someone to be named ‘nothing.’ Besides, Bajorans have a tendency to murder the Cardassian language and Mora had labeled it in Bajoran simply as ‘unknown sample.’” Odo tried to swallow away his nervousness. “I don’t know exactly how long it was before the experiments began, but those memories stuck. Even without any eyes to see with or ears to hear, I was still acutely aware of them and I knew I would have to figure out a way to show them I was sentient. It was so silent sometimes, like at night when everyone had gone home. No one talked to me, it never occurred to them.
“I think it was the shocks that started it,” he continued, a slight shiver running through his form. “It was like I was performing tricks for them, reacting when the buzz started to hum on the console. Once I did what they were trying to ‘teach’ me, they shut it off. I was like a pet, obeying their commands — but at the time I didn’t see any other possibility. The slightest move that was unanticipated and they locked down a forcefield, another training exercise no doubt.”
“So, how long did you… did you stay in the lab?” Kira asked, her brow furrowed intently as she listened to the story.
“Oh, I don’t know. Mora didn’t bother to keep records and I had no sense of time back then. I did know that thwarting Mora infuriated him. Not that he’d ever show it, but the subtleties were there, enough for even a growing changeling to notice. So, after awhile, I stopped reacting. I’d just stay there on the console, trying to ignore the building pain of the shocks around me. He never figured it out, not until I told him less than a year ago.
“But the little things weren’t enough, and I knew I had to get away from Mora. As he began suspecting my intelligence to be higher and higher, he kept pushing the limits, my limits. I suppose that was one of the things I resented the most about him — he pushed me to take a form, a functional form. At the time about the only thing I enjoyed shifting into was a sphere. They take such concentration and perfection to get it just right…” Odo trailed off as he felt a wistful smile growing on his face.
“Oh, Odo, don’t stop. People do smile nowadays, you know,” Kira teased.
“I suppose they do,” he said after a moment, straightening his posture and bracing himself with his hands on his knees.
“So you left the lab…” Kira prompted.
“Hmph, and it was no easy task. Once I stopped Mora from turning on his little machine by grabbing him by the wrist. Imagine the man’s surprised when all of the sudden there’s this thin cord of gelatinous material wrapped around him. I wish I had eyes, I would have loved to see the look on his face.” Odo paused, mimicking a deep breath. “I think we’ve patched things together now, though. I understand now more of what he was going through, deadlines to meet, progress to report.” His mind drifted to the baby changeling he had bought from Quark, so full of life, so ready to learn…
“Odo, are you all right?” Kira asked gently.
“Yes, yes,” he replied a bit too quickly and there was an added pain to his voice.
“It hurts… to lose someone.”
Her words landed in Odo’s ears like a connection to the life he was living, pulling him back into the present. For the first time in hours, he studied the face of the woman sitting across from him. Yes, there was pain there too but hers could not be shifted away and buried deep so easily.
His only response was a nod.
“So you left the lab.”
“Yes,” he responded, eagerly picking up the lost thread of conversation.
“Where did you go?”
“Well, at first I felt for sure that Mora would follow me or have me tracked down so I spent several months in the foothills of some mountain. It didn’t matter which; all I knew was that it was far from Mora’s lab and nobody bothered me. I spent my time going over the padds I had taken with me, working on perfecting form and internal structure like a vocal box and eardrums. As it was, at the time I left the lab I barely had a basic humanoid shape and the ability to mimic words, just enough to leave.
“By the time I considered myself as best formed as possible, I walked to the nearest city. That was my next break.”
“How so?”
“The Cardassians could have just as easily have shot me where I stood, actually a few tried, but I managed to… to ‘avoid’ the shots. So then they knew my talent and knew who I must be. I thought I actually had a chance at making a life for myself. I knew little about the politics of the Occupation and I didn’t care. The Cardassians weren’t Bajoran and that was fine with me; Mora and his assistants were Bajoran, the guardsmen weren’t.
“I started my career as a security officer right then and there, I suppose, settling disputes over kanar and Bajoran women…” The disgust in his voice cut off the words, allowing a vile memory to sit in his mouth. “And pretty soon I was being shuttled between guls, a sort of tour, I suppose. They even went so far as to send me back to Cardassia to make the rounds there. Then they sent me here, Terok Nor, and Dukat was all too pleased to have something new and different to amuse him. Until then I had underestimated the Cardassians’ ability to talk with such arrogance and certainty.”
A small chuckle erupted from Kira’s throat. “Dukat sure did talk a lot, even Lupaza used to say so.” The silence settled into her bones so quickly that the words barely escaped her lips. She was reminded of Lupaza and Furel… and young Ziyal, so very much like a younger sister that her murder had struck deep into her pagh.
“Nerys? Do you want to talk about it?” Odo asked quietly after a moment, feeling he should say something.
“No,” she said after a moment. “Not yet, anyway. The pain’s still too close to the surface.”
“All right,” Odo acknowledged with a stiff nod. After all, this whole conversation had been about understanding.
“So what happened with Dukat?” Kira said after a moment, surprising Odo with a well-controlled tone of voice.
“He wanted to someone to talk to, someone who would sit and listen to his plans to glorify Bajor and bring about a prosperous community where Bajorans would learn to appreciate the Cardassian knack for ingenuity.”
“That sounds like Dukat all right. So did you? Did you listen?”
“No,” Odo said, a scoff in his voice. “I had spent enough time listening to the pedantic babble of a hundred other Cardassians, the last thing I wanted was to listen to him. And I told him that and he put me in charge of station security. Thrax had just left and Dukat had little more than a passing interest in the conduct of his officers. He did, however, know that if he let them go too slack, his own position would be endangered.
“So I became chief of station security, complete with my own office that would seal shut on me if anything went terribly wrong. I tried my best to fit in, to make myself just another face in the crowd — in both crowds. I knew I would need the respect of the Cardassian officers as well as the Bajorans if I had any hopes of maintaining order and justice, especially on the Promenade. Things, I thought, were going well and then I had my first case to investigate.”
“Vaatrik’s murder.” There was stone in Kira’s voice, as if fighting off some overwhelming feeling. “And you let me go.”
“I couldn’t be sure if you were responsible or not, and I was new to the job. I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t just looking to make a good impression. That’s not something I’ve ever been terribly worried about,” he said gesturing to his face. “But after that case went unsolved, little things started to show up. Nothing important or significant, but I knew Dukat was a little edgy, wondering if he had made the right decision. And then there was the attempt on his life.”
Kira knew she needn’t ask which attempt on Dukat’s life, there would be only one important to Odo.
“By that time, I was already wearing their uniform, trying to conform to their lifestyles in order to protect myself. I even tried to emulate their ridges until someone caught me at it. They seemed to think it a good trick. ‘Yeah, look at Odo. Ask him to do that neck trick!’ It was degrading, and from that day I stuck myself with this face, not wanting to risk anyone else making a new discovery about my talents.” He spat the words, as if trying to cleanse his mouth by getting them out quickly. “And then I made a mistake.”
“Odo…” but he held up a hand.
“It was my mistake, and one I never should have made. I’ve tried to be careful ever since then, not jumping too quickly to conclusions lest they be wrong ones, not making hasty judgments. The days of the Occupation became dark and oppressive for me, pigeoning me into a role, and I began to realize what the Bajorans were fighting for.”
“So when Cardassia pulled out?” Kira asked, pushing him on out of fear that he might suddenly draw back and into himself again.
“Dukat wanted me to go with him, maybe as some sort of bodyguard, I don’t know. But I couldn’t leave here. This had become my home faster than Mora’s lab had become a prison. Besides, I was determined not to just let the Federation come in and screw things up. To do that would have been turning a very vital part of Bajor into the hands of another Occupier.”
“But it didn’t turn out that way,” Kira countered, knowing that she too had been wary of Starfleet’s presence.
“No, and I’m glad. Think of all the opportunities it’s created for me to discover who I am, where I came from. The wormhole and the trip into the Gamma Quadrant…”
“Led you to your people.” She remembered well the feeling of futility, trying to reason with him even as he became enraptured by the surroundings. “I talked to a bunch of rocks because of you, on the old home world. I didn’t know whether or not you were one of them…”
“Learning what it is to be a rock,” he said, his voice mixed wistfulness and dry humor.
“I felt like I was losing you to them,” Kira said softly, her eyes eyeing the plain floor. “They had… have such an effect on you. I’m not sure I like it.”
“It is a… difficult situation, I will admit,” he wavered as he rested his face in the palm of his hand.
“Then you don’t think you have all the answers you want or need for right now?” she asked, hoping desperately he would say no, that he would assure her that he had no plans of even considering going elsewhere. She concentrated lightly on his face, trying not to pressure him, but trying to read any flicker of emotion that alighted there.
“I’m not sure. There are a lot of issues that I would still like to have resolved…” His words faded off as the door behind him opened suddenly.
“Hi,” Kira said cheerfully, noting that Jadzia obviously seemed to be having a good time at the party.
“Hi,” Dax replied with an equal amount of enthusiasm that the hangover did not make her feel.
“Is the party over?”
“You could say that. It’s 10:30.”
“In the morning? I’m on duty.” Kira bolted from her seat.
“So am I,” Odo echoed, a bit disconcerted by the amount of time that had passed and the fact that he was late. Not to mention what Dax might say about them… in the closet. Kira goes hugs Dax
“It was a great party,” Kira added, rushing back in like a scattered jab’aki bear to give her friend a hug. Then she was just as quickly out the door again, hoping to catch up with Odo…
But he was gone, fled from the scene. The slight spell had worn off, sealing himself away from public view once more. Kira hurried to her room to change and found herself going over the past hours.
Understanding, that was what he wanted. Maybe now she could actually help him to find it someplace other than the Great Link. It would certainly require a great deal of thought…
(-|-)