This story takes place after “Broken Link.”
Human.
Human?
Odo paced his quarters, wondering what this meant. He had occupied as much time as possible with work, but Julian had ordered him to limit himself to six hours a day until he was better accustomed to how his body reacted.
How his body reacted…that was something he had never had cause to doubt. Now, he had more than enough reason to doubt…everything.
His world had been turned upside down, and Odo found himself utterly bewildered as to how to act. The first day back at work had been forced, so as to ensure that his mind could not wander.
It hadn’t worked. His mind wandered so much that when the owner of that restaurant, the Celestial something-or-other, tried to get his attention, she had almost needed to step directly in front of him. She looked quite a bit like Major Kira. Except, she seemed genuinely interested in him. Perhaps…
Perhaps what? You fool! It would just be another deception, a lie, a disguise! You wouldn’t forget about Nerys. You never could, and fooling yourself with someone else isn’t going to help you any.
He yanked at the pajamas Julian had lent him (Luckily, they were made of something less irritable than his uniform). He could feel the anger building up in his head as he clenched both his teeth and fists.
The sculpture still sat in the middle of his living room. It now glimmered silently in the faint starlight. Odo approached it and lightly placed a hand on one of its many edges. He could feel it, smooth and cold under his skin. It was so calm and restful as if it knew the answers to all of life’s questions.
A fist pierced the still air and slammed down forcefully on the sculpture. Odo had just been marveled by the slight ache in the muscles of his arm but the sharp pain in his hand took precedence.
He had been physically hurt! That was something new to him. The pain had never been so localized, so singular, and as he looked at his hand, he could see a thin trickle of blood where the semi-sharp edge had cut him.
Odo didn’t know what to do. He didn’t particularly covet the sight of blood, especially fresh blood. Luckily the cut wasn’t that deep, and it had soon clotted. A sense of vulnerability started to overcome him, and Odo wanted nothing more than to seek some kind of shelter.
A sheet from the bed was hastily flung so as to cover the sculpture. Underneath, it was dark and safe. The floor was quite hard, and Odo considered adding a pillow and blanket to his immediate surroundings. However, sleep overcame him first and paved a smooth road for the dreams.
“Computer, is Constable Odo in his quarters?”
“Affirmative.”
“Then why isn’t he answering the door?” Kira asked herself.
“Unable to comply. Please restate the question.”
“I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to myself.” Kira weighed her choices carefully. Odo was already an hour late for his shift and their appointment, and it wasn’t like him to be late for anything. She took a deep breath and decided on a course of action. “Computer, override privacy lock on these quarters. Authorization: Kira-Two-Beta-Alpha-Gamma.”
The doors slid open before her to reveal seemingly normal quarters, for Odo at least. The only thing different, and quite noticeably so, was the sculpture. Kira relaxed her demeanor as the realization for her that everything was not the same, that everything was not okay, sunk in.
“Odo?”
There was no answer but Kira could hear a faint struggling.
“Odo?” Kira started to look around her. A bit of color from under the sculpture flashed into view. Carefully she maneuvered herself to the floor. “Odo?”
The sheet moved a little bit as Kira tried to crawl through. She wasn’t that pregnant yet, but it was enough to make is uncomfortable. Enough light was coming through to let Kira know what she was facing.
Before her was a restless figure curled up into a fetal ball. She could see anguish clearly played out on his face, and he seemed to be struggling against someone or something.
Kira edged herself so she was sitting by his head.
“Odo?” she whispered. “Odo?” She gently shook his shoulder. “Odo?”
He was instantly awake and on guard. He sat up, intimately aware of both the closeness of the sculpture and of the person next to him.
“What are you doing here?” he asked in a voice gravelly from sleep.
“You were late for our appointment,” Kira said as she tried to catch Odo’s eyes which seemed to be taking in everything around him. “Odo, is something wrong?”
“No, Major. Nothing I can’t handle. Just what you would call a ‘bad dream.'”
“I don’t believe that, Odo. I know you better than that.”
Odo tried to hold up his defense even as images from his nightmare, for that was the only way it could truly be described, still echoed in his head.
“Well,” he started before swallowing hard, “you’ll just have to, Major.” He looked straight at her, desperately hoping she would not pursue the topic any further.
“Odo,” Kira said, placing one hand on his shoulder, “I…” But everything she was going to say was forgotten as a deep shiver ran through Odo’s entire body. He hurriedly scurried out from under the sculpture and into his bedroom. The door shut and locked behind him.
“Odo!” Kira called after him even as she tried to follow him. After struggling once again, she was at the bedroom door. “Odo, talk to me. What’s wrong?”
“I told you…nothing.” Odo’s voice cracked on that last word as the truth hit him that he had lost everything he was, everything he had been and the fact that he was nothing again.
“Odo…I…I want you to know that I’m here if…if you want to talk about it.”
“Thank you, Kira.”
She wanted to say so much more, to do so much more for her friend. But he was in no mood to accept her help. By all rights, Kira should have left then and there. She didn’t; something stopped her and held her standing outside the door to Odo’s bedroom.
She was just about to say something when she heard a muffled crash, followed by a soft thump.
“Computer, open this door. Authorization: Kira-Two-Beta-Alpha-Gamma.”
The door obediently opened and the first thing Kira saw was a full-length mirror with a shattering near the top. The next thing she saw was Odo, rocking slightly while on his knees. His shuddering hands covered his face.
“Odo?” She was very worried by now.
“Go away.” His voice was just above a haggard whisper.
“Why?”
“Because.”
“That’s no answer, and you know it.” She had had enough of this. If he didn’t want her help, well, it was just too bad. “I want to help you, and I’m not leaving until I do.”
“You can’t help me. No one can.” Odo stood as he spoke, turning away from Kira at the same time. He let his hands drop from his face and they quickly curled into tight fists. But not before Kira noticed the blood.
“Odo,” she said rushing over to him, “you’re bleeding.”
“Yes.”
“Well…” Kira got in front of him and gasped as she saw Odo’s face, covered with lines and streaks of blood. “How did this happen?”
“The mirror.”
“What? Did you fall or trip or something?”
“No.”
“Well, then what happened?” Kira was puzzled.
“I did it on purpose,” Odo answered, closing an eye to keep the blood out.
“I’m not even going to ask why you would do something so stupid,” Kira said, retrieving a wet cloth. “You could have seriously hurt yourself. Here.” She handed him the wash rag and he started to wipe off the blood. Meanwhile Kira returned with the first aid kit.
“Hold still so I can heal that.” Kira tried to hold reins on her growing anger. Why was he behaving like this? “There. Now there’s almost no sign of your…your actions, so you can sit down and explain it to me.”
Odo plopped onto the edge of his bed as if he couldn’t hold up that weight anymore.
“Fine,” he said, once again scrubbing at the blood dried on his face and hands. “What do you want to know?”
“Well, first of all, I want to know what in the name of the Prophets did you hit your head against that mirror for?”
“I got tired of looking at my face,” he answered solemnly.
“Well, you better get used to it because you’re going to be stuck with it for a long time.”
“Don’t you think I know that?!” he shouted. “Don’t you think I’ve told myself that already a million times?! But it doesn’t matter, because I am precisely that: stuck!”
Any further protests from Kira were silenced by the look in Odo’s eyes, one of agony, of pain, and of fear. It was something she rarely saw in her friend, and she didn’t like it.
“Oh, Odo, I’m sorry,” stated Kira plainly as she took a seat on the bed too. “Uff. This whole pregnancy thing isn’t quite as novel an idea as the Vedeks make it out to be.” Kira rested a few moments. “Odo, I realize you must be feeling very…very…”
“Upset? Confused? Angry? Well, you’d be right. I’m all of those things but most of all, I’m guilty. It is my fault that I’m like this.” Odo held his hands up in front of him as if he still hadn’t quite accepted what had happened.
“Odo, you can’t blame yourself. The Founders were the ones who threatened the Alpha Quadrant, threatened and attacked the Defiant, threatened the very core of our existence. You didn’t kill that Changeling out of malice or ill will; you did it in self-defense, in defense of all of us on the Defiant. You never even thought about killing him. And if the Jem’Hadar hadn’t attacked, the shielding around the core would have remained intact. If the Founders didn’t have such an arrogant need to control the Alpha Quadrant, that Changeling never would have been on the Defiant in the first place. If there is anyone to blame, it is the Founders themselves, not you.”
Kira took a deep breath and sighed, just a tad bit winded from the force she had used in her speech. Odo just sat there staring straight ahead with a blank look on his face.
“Odo? Odo, were you even listening to me?”
“Yes, yes, Major. But no amount of reasoning is going to change the fact that I am human now…now and forever.”
Kira placed a comforting arm around Odo’s shoulders. A shiver ran through his whole body at the touch.
“Are you cold?”
“No, no,” he assured her.
“So, relax. You’ve been through so much lately, you’re undoubtedly stressed.”
“It is nothing that I cannot handle.”
“How do you know that, Odo? How can you know about something that you’ve never experienced before?”
“I don’t. There is no way, but I can’t let emotions rule my life. I never have before and it seems to work.”
“Yes, but has it been worth it? Dealing with the situation is part of the situation. You can’t ignore your feelings, not anymore. This is a chance, a chance for you to start a new life, one free of any past wrongs, any missed opportunities. You’ve been given a new chance.”
“But no one can explain away this,” Odo said with a gesture of his face. “No matter how hard I tell myself that I’m human, and sometimes I succeed…then I look in a mirror or see my reflection and I am sorely reminded of who and what I was. And that was the purpose and power of my punishment. That is the mark I will wear for the rest of my life.”
Odo stood and paced the room, passing the mirror each time. A frustration was growing in him. He wanted to shift, to change, to escape the confines of his body. He stopped in front of the mirror and looked at himself. He looked haggard.
Fists flew out and struck the mirror furiously. Pain shot through every part of his body but he didn’t care. It was minimal in comparison to the inner pain he was feeling. Kira was immediately up.
“Odo!” she yelled, trying to stop his arms. “Odo, please stop it! Odo, you’re starting to scare me! Stop now, please!”
Odo’s arms twitched with pent up energy as he backed away from the mirror.
“What is wrong with you, Odo?”
Odo’s eyes moved rapidly across the room and they were quickly filling with tears. Soon, it was another thing he couldn’t control as tears ran freely over his face. He sank to the floor in anguish.
“Shhh, Odo,” Kira said, joining him on the floor. “Shhh, it’ll be all right. Shhh.” Kira tried to calm her friend as her maternal instincts heightened by the pregnancy took over. As she looked down at what was a weak, fragile, totally open soul before her, something inside her clicked. There was something that inside of her told her, almost as if it were talking to her pagh directly, that this was right. Odo belonged with her…
But that was a ridiculous thought…wasn’t it? A bit of conversation she had had with Odo about Shakaar drifted back to her.
If someone had told me a year ago…
A year ago. A lot had happened in a year, some of itgood, some of it bad. But Odo had been there through it all…he had been there for as long as she had known him.
This is ridiculous, Nerys. I mean, come on: this is Odo you’re talking about. He wouldn’t be interested in such things…at least he wouldn’t have been before, but he was humannow. Maybe he could… Nerys shook her head. She was being ridiculous.
She turned her attention back to the figure next to her. It was almost as if he were a totally different person, but deep down she knew he was the same.
“Odo?” she said. An unsure hand reached out to stroke his head. A sob racked through his body at the intimate touch. He leaned heavily into her hand, seeking the comfort he so desperately needed. Kira took him into her arms and rocked him, almost as if he were a small child. She could sense that now was not the time for words.
They sat together for a long time before Odo fell asleep. Kira watched as his face relaxed somewhat. She stroked the hair away from his face and let her mind drift again.
If someone had told me a year ago that this was gonna happen, you know what I would have said: you’re crazy. Yes, I respect him. Yes, I…he makes me laugh but…but we know each other too well. He’s seen me go weeks without a bath. There’s no mystery left between us. We’re friends; that’s all…I guess I was wrong.
Had she been wrong about Odo as well?
He was struggling again only this time she could make out some of what he was saying.
“No…no, let go of her. I won’t let you hurt her, not now, not ever…you can’t get past me; you won’t get past me…No…No! NO!…no…Forgive me, Nerys.” Odo curled into a fetal ball that shivered as if in shock. And that worried Kira.
“Odo? Odo! Wake up, Odo. Wake up.”
This time he was awake instantly at hearing her voice.
“Nerys, you’re…you’re all right?” The voice was panic stricken and a little disbelieving.
Kira managed a short “Yes” as she tried to process the fact that Odo had finally used her given name.
Odo sighed with relief and closed his eyes. Deep, ragged breaths came quickly to him.
“Calm down, Odo. It’s okay; it was only a dream.”
“Of course. You’re right,” he said, the old familiar mask slipping into place for the first time in days.
“Odo, what was the dream about? Was it the same one you had before?” Kira tried not to pressure him. If this was
going to work at all, he would have to be comfortable with her and the ideas presented by the dream.
“I…” Odo took a deep breath. Kira was the last person he wanted to discuss this with, but he needed to talk to someone about it. “I was back on my home planet, and there was a terrible storm. I was rooted to the ground I was standing on by old pieces of rotting debris. Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity, a group materialized in front of me. You were there, as was Sisko, Bashir, and Dax. Dax managed to free me but I still had a little trouble walking. There was some kind of emergency and everyone except you beamed back up to the ship. You got too close to the edge of the rock, though, and a Changeling grabbed hold of you, trying to pull you into the mass. I tried to stop them, but I couldn’t. They wouldn’t listen to me because I was nothing in their eyes, just another solid and I…I couldn’t save you.” Odo’s face grew extremely saddened. “I’m sorry, Nerys.”
“It’s okay, Odo. It was only a dream. And I know you’d do everything you could. I’d trust you with my life.”
“I know. The First Minister told me that once.”
Kira noticed how cold and strained Odo’s voice had become when he had mentioned Shakaar.
“Odo, do you have a problem with Shakaar?”
“No.”
“Odo, this is me. I can tell when you’re lying. What is it?”
Odo stood up abruptly.
“I’ll be right back.” He retreated into the bathroom.
Kira sighed and got up…very slowly. By the time she had gotten the circulation back in her legs, Odo had emerged from the bathroom, clad in his security uniform.
“I should be going. I’ve already missed half my shift. It won’t do anyone any good if I miss the other half.”
“It might do…” Kira paused. She was about to day that it might do her quite a bit of good, but she stopped, uncertain. Odo had turned to her, and by the look in his eyes, Kira could tell he had sensed her next words. “…might do Quark a lot of good,” she amended.
“Point taken, Major.”
Kira winced at the use of her rank instead of her name.
“Well, then I guess I’ll see you later, Constable.”
Odo nodded and led Kira to the door.
“Good afternoon, Major.”
Kira nodded and exited quickly before she blew up in his face.
The doors closed and Odo took in a deep breath of relief, confusion, and anxiety all in one. Things were even more complicated now than before…but what could he do about it?
A grumbling in his stomach reminded Odo that he now had to contend with another factor in his daily routine: hunger. He quickly ate and hurried off to his office. At least there the echoes of the past were drowned out by the workload, and those echoes had been very persistent lately.
What was I thinking? How could I ever have fooled myself into believing that she could ever love someone like me?
But dreams are never so easily pushed aside.
(-|-)