Was he a complete idiot? How could he have let her slip away so easily without even trying to grab hold of her? He could kill himself for letting that chance slip away! Five words. He only would have needed to say five simple words and then… But they weren’t truly that simple. They were wrenching words that tugged at one’s heart and mind and core. Sure; they were simple words.
But now he could see the effect his silence had wrought. Kira and Shakaar were together. What was wrong with him, that he couldn’t be truthful with someone he knew so well? There had rarely been something he hadn’t been able to tell her…except for the one thing that most deeply concerned her. He tried to move his mind to a different topic. He had to stop thinking about Nerys or resign himself to his role in her life…as friend.
Odo moved on, or attempted to, and told himself what he did every morning: that she did not love him, and that she never would. And so he tried to reconcile himself to being there for her and to being her friend.
“Odo to Kira.”
“Kira here. What can I do for you, Constable?”
“I was wondering if you had any plans for this evening, Major.”
“Not that I know of. Why?”
“Well, I was wondering if you’d care to share dinner with me.”
There was a moment of silence.
“Sure, Odo. How about nineteen hundred hours at my quarters?”
Odo paused. What in the name of the Prophets was he thinking? What had ever possessed him to…
“Odo?”
“Of course, Major. That would be fine.”
“Good. See ya then.”
The channel closed and Odo took a deep sigh of relief. At least that part was over.
We’re just friends. We’re just friends. We are just friends.
It was repeated over and over again even as the door chimed.
“Come,” she heard herself say, even as she quickly rearranged something on the table. “Hello, Odo.”
“Major,” he responded gently, but Kira could still feel a sense of formality between them…and she was getting tired of it.
“Odo, let’s get one thing straight: no ranks tonight. You can call me Kira or Nerys, but not Major.”
“Very well, Ma…Kira.”
Kira smiled at his concerted effort.
“Shall we sit down?” she asked, indicating the dinner table.
Odo nodded in affirmation. The two sat at opposite ends of the table, but Kira was up again almost immediately to retrieve the food. Odo sat rigidly as he waited, concentrating on making a good impression with Kira and not embarrassing himself.
“So, Odo,” said Kira as she set the dinner in front of them both, “what have you been up to today?”
Lame, Kira. Really lame.
“Well,” said Odo, instantly warming to the topic, “today was actually quite interesting.” He ate a small bite of food before continuing. “There was a peculiar case concerning a Rigelian who was trying to set up a vole fighting ring on the Promenade.”
Kira ate while she paid attention to what Odo was saying. It was obviously something that had gotten him to relax and that was very important.
Both soon discovered that they had finished their dinner. Odo had cleared the table before Kira had the opportunity to protest.
“It feels good to be back here,” Kira said as she moved to the couch. Odo followed.
“I imagine. How is it working out, you living with the O’Briens?”
“It’s nice.” A forced smile came to her lips.
“Really?”
“Yes, really,” she contended frankly. “It’s nice to be…to be part of a family. Living alone gets lonely after awhile.”
“Sounds like you’re happier there than here.”
“Well, I would be except I made the mistake of telling Molly that she could play in my room anytime she wanted and she seems to have taken me up on that offer quite literally.”
“Ah.” Odo knew some people quite like that.
“Achoo. Achoo.” Kira braced herself against any more sneezes. “And then of course there’s the constant sneezing.”
“I do believe that’s one thing I haven’t experienced yet.”
“Count yourself…achoo…lucky.”
Kira looked at Odo’s calm face.
“You know, Odo, I think you’re the only person not to find humor in my sneezing all the time.”
Odo shrugged his shoulders slightly with indignation, something he had found himself doing a lot more often lately.
“I don’t see the humor in such a natural thing.”
Kira smiled. This was still Odo. Despite the enormous change he had undergone, he was still himself.
Well of course he is. Who were you expecting him to be?
“Something amuses you?”
“No, no, Odo. I was just thinking how glad I am that you are still you.”
“Who else would I be?” Odo asked.
“Who indeed.” Kira readjusted herself on the couch. “You know another thing about being pregnant is that I always
feel uncomfortable.” Her hand flew to her swollen torso. “Especially when he starts to kick.”
“Does it hurt much?” Odo asked concernedly.
“No, not really. It’s just a bit of surprise when he starts up. Here,” she said, taking his hand, “put your hand here.” Kira guided his hand carefully.
Odo was instantly fascinated by the reaction he was getting. Something alive, something moving…it was quite a different experience. He could almost feel the contented happiness from the child. And there was something else…something very familiar.
Odo could sense the fluidity in which the child existed and he remembered…back to an all-too recent memory what it had been like to exist in just such a liquid state.
He scoffed the irony, that the baby would follow his footsteps and be thrust out of that safe haven. He had often heard that a newborn’s greatest wish was most likely to return back from whence it had come.
I guess I’m more of an infant than I ever thought.
Odo drew his hand away stiffly and ran it through his hair a bit nervously.
“Odo, is something wrong?” Kira asked concernedly.
“I was just…just remembering something.” He looked out the windows at the stars, and it seemed as if his mind was as far away as they were.
“It must be…difficult for you.”
“Hmph. You have no idea.”
“Well, I’m willing to listen.” Kira sat as if she were preparing for an onslaught from an army.
Odo remained completely still. She was waiting for him to tell her, wanting him to tell her, but he wasn’t sure if he was willing.
“Odo, please?” It was a soft gentle question, and Odo could feel the concern Kira felt at that moment.
He pulled his eyes away from the stars and readied himself.
“I might as well start at the beginning, for me anyways. As you know, I spent several years in a laboratory on Bajor. The Cardassians are very orderly, if nothing else and they wanted to make sure that they kept close wraps on everything the scientists were working on. Nobody was quite sure what I was so they simply labeled me unknown sample…” He glanced up to gauge Kira’s reaction. There was a look of deep interest and understanding there. “The Cardassians overseer translated that into ‘odo’ital.’ The Bajorans eventually split it into a traditional name: Odo Ital. Nobody cared the implications it would hold over my head.”
Kira looked curious. She wanted to know what “odo’ital” meant.
“You can’t be saying that your name means ‘unknown sample’?”
“No, but I’ll get to that. I tried to fit in and managed to somewhat wherever I went. Even though being chief of station security is very gratifying, I still never really felt as if I belonged. I always seemed to be fighting against something or someone. But, when I went back this past time, when I finally joined the Great Link, I felt as if I truly belonged, as if the need to struggle was no longer necessary.”
Odo rubbed at his temples as memories flooded back, but he continued before Kira could say anything.
“I felt as if I was important; my name no longer caged me. Oh, I had outgrown most of it, but small parts, small influences still stood in its wake. You see, Kira, ‘odo’ital’ is Cardassian for ‘nothing.’ Early on I thought no name could be more perfect. I had no past, no family, no friends, no home…It was almost as if I had come out of nowhere. But in the Great Link, that was all thrust aside.
“And then I was thrust aside, and all of that was ripped away from me. I had no voice, no say, no control over it. And I was nothing once again.”
“But you’re not just nothing, Odo. You know who you are, what your place is here on this station. You have plenty of friends who are here to help…”
“That doesn’t change what I’ve become.”
“And nothing ever will. You need to start trying to accept who you are right here and now. Trust me. It will make the transition a lot easier on you.”
At first Odo couldn’t understand why Kira was so impassioned on this point when he remembered the Cardassian incident…when she had been made to resemble a Cardassian. So, in a way she had been through the same shock he was experiencing now. Only he had lost so much more and had so much yet to learn.
“I realize it’s been harder for you in some ways, but in others, you’ve got it a lot easier than I did. What you are may have been changed, but who you are hasn’t. You’ve still got your friends, your job, your home…It shouldn’t really matter as long as you have all that you truly care about despite what form or shape you are.”
“Hmph,” Odo said indignantly indicating he didn’t have everything he truly cared about.
“Odo, what is it? Is there something missing in your life?”
What could he tell her, that she was the only thing that mattered to him? that as long as she was there he could muddle through anything? He looked her straight in the eyes, and broke down the barriers that kept him locked up inside himself, the barriers that had made and kept him lonely, the barriers that hid the part that was in love with her.
“Yes,” he said, and his voice rumbled under the weight of everything he had been feeling and thinking for so long.
Kira was paralyzed by his gaze. She didn’t know what to say, didn’t know what to assume he meant. He still held his gaze at her and a million things rushed through her head. All the lonely nights where she had toyed with the idea…but then Shakaar had come along. She was happy with him. Well, she had been until he had started spending less and less time with her. Frankly, I think this pregnancy has bothered him much more than he’d care to admit.
Kira finally looked away with a frown at the thought of Shakaar. It was something that happened more often recently.
I understand that he has a life to lead and things to do, especially as First Minister, but…
Odo looked out at the stars again, trying to resolve what had just happened. He soon saw however that Kira was having just as difficult a time as he.
“Kira, what is it?”
She turned and looked at him, still compassionate and still his friend.
“It’s Shakaar.”
“Oh.” The barriers went up once again, and the electric blue eyes turned to ice.
Nice going, Kira.
“What…what about him?” Odo forced.
“He’s just been so…distant lately. I don’t know if it’s the pregnancy or what.”
“Sounds to me like you’re making excuses for him.” Odo guarded the rest of what he was going to say, fearful of driving her further away.
“Maybe. Maybe this relationship with him isn’t all it’s cracked up to be…or maybe I’m just being paranoid.”
“Or maybe you’re just being cautious with your heart. It’s something I’ve found to be quite true with many people.
Quite useful as well.”
“Well, I suppose that that’s true, but if you don’t open yourself up, how are you ever going to know if something is real or not? If you don’t let anything in past your surface barriers, there’s no way you can get a real look at it and see if it will be right for you.”
“But,” Odo countered, “if you don’t open yourself up, you cannot be hurt.”
Kira’s eyes took on a faraway look as she remembered tougher times.
“You’d be surprised.” She grew a quirky ironic smile. “But oddly enough, sometimes it’s the pain that makes it all worthwhile in the end. It’s one of those things that keeps you going because you learn how to handle tough situations and deal with them.”
“Perhaps,” and the conversation ended.
“Well, I’d better get back so I can try and get some rest before my shift tomorrow,” said Kira as she rose.
“That’s not a bad idea,” Odo conceded.
“See you tomorrow, Constable?” she asked once they were in the corridor.
“Of course, Major.” And he flashed a smile that let her know he was better, not fully healed, but not completely wounded either.
(-|-)
Continue with Part II: The Sun, the Moon, the Stars…