I am the one who asks the questions, the one who guards answers.
My role was different long ago. I floated in sarcasm, lending insults to my caretakers.
But then I arrived on the station, Terok Nor. That is where things started happening to my advantage. It began with questions, always questions. Even the first time I met Nerys was started with a question. At that time, though, I was still flawless. No mistakes had crossed by me, I had made no ill-spoken judgments,
And then I made the biggest mistake: I stayed silent.
I would realize the error a few days later, but, by then, Timur, Ishan, and Jillur were silent too.
The years after that passed rather quickly and soon Starfleet moved in. I ended up having to yell at Quark for far longer than I had anticipated. More importantly, I was to start working with Nerys. With her, my questions ebbed. It might have been being part of the Bajoran side of things in the midst of a flood of Starfleet, but eventually we started to become friends … and I started violating one of my rules. I chose sides.
I also started betraying parts of myself, just small points of inflection.
So I tried to say less, reducing my reactions to gruff acknowledgments.
Over the past six years, I have done many things. I screeched at Mora when he would hear nothing else, I twisted friendship and care around names like Bareil and Shakaar to hide the mix of betrayal, fear and heartbreak I felt. And then I found myself stammering over unplanned words instead of the prepared speech, an excuse instead of “I love you.”
I screamed silently during my judgment, and months later found myself recording my dying words. But worse than that, I found myself asking, pleading, begging my baby not to die.
And now, today, I found myself facing an unpredictable situation. The war with the Dominion has been pacified, for all regards, it is over. I’ve been talking with Nerys quite a bit lately, but for the most part it’s about things in the past. Tonight I’m going to talk to her about the future.
I am going to tell her that I love her, let her hear it from me and not some alternate version aged two-hundred years.
I will tell her that the fire of her pagh melted my ice castle.
I will tell her that I will never leave her side again, that I will always be her friend and be there for her.
I will tell her all of this tonight.
Perhaps.
Perhaps not.