TRIGGER WARNING: Please note this story deals with suicide and addiction.
Kira stepped into the guest quarters, the memory of her own arrival on DS9 washing over her as it always did. There had been a part of her that had resisted making the Cardassian monstrosity home but over the years it had become just that. Here, with a few of Diam’s things scattered around, the bit inside that had been constantly shuttled about in the Resistance resurfaced. What kind of journey was Diam on that she would seek respite here? Where had she come from … and why did Odo feel the need to caution her?
“Can I get you anything?”
“What? Oh, no, I’m fine, thanks.” Kira said, smiling as she walked further into the room. A small travel-sized prayer wheel caught her attention on one of the end tables.
“Please, sit down,” Kyleea said, waving an arm at the seating area as she retrieved her drink from the replicator. The cool water calmed her throat and she slumped into the chair across from Kira. “You like it?”
“I’ve never seen one quite like it,” Kira answered, fingering the edges. “Most prayer wheels this size are much simpler in decoration. Where did you get it?”
“I made it a few years ago. Someone in me obviously had at least a hint of creative ability.” Diam drained the glass and set it down on the table. “It took me about a year of fitting in the time here and there… and sometimes when the prayer doesn’t quite take, I just sit and look at it, wondering what other little details I’ve missed, what else needs to be done to truly finish it.”
“Ah, now you’re starting to sound like a few other people I know around here. Striving perfectionists.”
“A blessing and a curse.” A hollow smile crossed her lips as she leaned back in the chair. Kyleea rubbed at her left temple lightly.
“Something wrong?”
“Hmm? Oh, I guess this is more of a nervous habit than anything. I used to get some severe headaches after I was Joined and this was the only thing that seemed to calm them in any way.”
“Anything the Symbiosis Commission was able to do?” Kira asked, leaning forward in her seat.
“Not too much. Apparently it’s a side effect having to do with some traumatic history of the Diam symbiont. Just one more thing I had to learn to incorporate along with 10 lifetimes.” She could feel the agony of those first hours… days… months clawing its way to the surface and Kyleea gently pushed it back down. “Prayer and meditation seem to help. But there are other days…”
“Like today?”
“…when it’s absolutely no use at all. I was hoping that going to the Temple might help things along.”
A sigh escaped Kira’s lips as she leaned back, closing her eyes as the muscles in her neck relaxed. “That’s what I was hoping for, too. Thankfully,” she continued after a moment, “my problem leaves in the morning.”
“Hmm… maybe I can figure some way to ship mine off as well.”
“Anyone in particular?”
“I… I’m not sure, exactly. It’s all been sort of confusing. I mean…” Kyleea paused to take a breath. Her words were getting jumbled and stunted already. What was she trying to say? “I barely know him… hell, I don’t know him at all. And to even say he’s made a good impression would be stretching it; in fact, he’s made exactly the opposite. But there’s still something there that…”
“That pulls you to him?” The first days with Shakaar floated to Kira’s mind.
“Yes, exactly!” Kyleea stood up, attempting to pace out her words. “There is some draw there… I just can’t put my finger on it. Of course, it doesn’t help that he’s convinced I’m some sort of vagrant and someone not to be trusted…”
A voice of warning echoed in Kira’s mind. I don’t quite trust her.
“Odo?!” Her voice rang with surprise and delight.
Diam stopped midstride and turned, caught off-guard. “Wh… how did you… wh… what makes you say that?”
A moment passed as Kira thought how to best phrase her answer. “He mentioned that he… that I should be… cautious.”
Diam clenched her fists in frustration. “I don’t understand it. He nearly knocks me over on the Promenade, then he pushes me out of his office, then I compliment him – and somehow I’m the bad guy? Is loitering really that serious of an offense around here?” She turned sharply and faced Kira. “Do you trust me?”
A moment’s hesitation. Kira felt it only because of Odo’s words still ringing in her mind. He had rarely been wrong, and yet lately he also seemed to be… different. Even more reserved than the Odo she had known. Maybe he was getting paranoid; maybe the stress was getting to him as it got to all of them from time to time.
“Kira?”
“Yes, I trust you.”
The affirmation seemed to lift dead weight from Kyleea’s shoulders and she slumped at the release of the burden. “Well, that’s at least comforting.”
“Look, Diam… I met Odo several years ago, during the Occupation, but over the past several years, he has become one of my closest friends. And yet I can’t begin to understand everything about him because even among friends he plays everything a bit close to the chest. I’m lucky enough to get a glimpse every now and then…” She stopped herself short, a pang of guilt hitting her. What right did she have to tell this person, this virtual stranger, so much about what made Odo tick? If his suspicions about her had even the ghost of truth to them, what was she doing?
The hesitation in Kira’s voice caught Kyleea’s attention, and she recognized the sound of regret and guilt at perhaps saying too much. She had found herself in that same situation all too recently as a pair of fine eyes had questioned everything about her existence. But now, as she remembered her encounters with the Constable, another feeling rose up inside of her. Something hiding behind the accusation, one of pain and loneliness, something with which she was all too well acquainted. And she wondered if perhaps they weren’t more alike than she had realized.
“Is he happy?”
Kira searched the Trill’s face. There was no deception or mistrust to be found here, and something stirred inside, willing her to share more about her friend. “Odo would have everyone believe that he doesn’t care about anything beyond order and justice.”
“But is he happy?”
“I think… sometimes.” Sadness filled Kira at the thought that he might not be. “He… he keeps to himself a lot but I’d like to think that makes him happy in his own way.”
“If you’re a good friend, then he’s probably trying to spare worrying you. At least, that’s what I would do… what I do. I’ve spent a good deal of my life ignoring the fact that I needed anyone else to really sustain myself. When I found the wisdom to see how I had been fooling myself, I was too locked into my ways and the perception of others to really affect any change. Everyone has their share of good and bad but sometimes I long for the time when I could write it all off as neutral ground and keep plowing through.”
“Sounds a lot like Odo,” Kira added softly, her mind tumbling with questions about how much she really knew about Odo and how he felt.
“Don’t expect that to change, then. Barring something of a grander scale than all of us, he will go on denying those feelings until he has someone in his life who he can trust not only not to betray him but to accept him for who he is.”
“That’s what’s got me worried. What if he doesn’t know how to let someone in like that? I mean, I’ve been his friend for years and I realize that I know so little about him. He’s always comparing humanoid ways to the ways of his people to distance himself from us and even when he was… let’s just say he’s had a rough time of it this past year. What if… what if he’s stuck in that same pattern, if he never learns to love anyone?”
Kyleea pulled at her earring, a hint of something brewing in her mind. But she ignored it for the moment. “Kira, he’s got a mind, a pagh, and an environment full of us humanoids. It will happen – and when it does, it will be quicker than a Klingon takes to his bloodwine.”
A laugh burst from Kira at the thought; certainly she had seen Worf drain a glass of prune juice with due haste. “So, what do we do about Odo?”
“Well, I think our first step is to convince him that I’m not some common criminal. And I have the nagging feeling that to do that, I’m going to have to reveal my ‘big, bad secret.’ Otherwise, I’ll never have a chance… or a moment of peace.”
“That being?”
“I’m on R&R… from Starfleet,” Kyleea stated bluntly.
“Well, that’s not necessarily going to get you the desired effect.”
“Well… then I could apologize for…” Diam paused, losing herself in the thought. She was still processing the otherwise innocent comment herself.
“For what?” Kira interrupted, a curious look on her face.
“I happened to mention he has a beautiful face.”
Silence reigned for a few moments as Kira let the words sink in. Beautiful? She had never really thought of Odo like that. Cute perhaps, handsome maybe but… beautiful?
“Well… knowing Odo, I would say that he probably didn’t believe you and maybe even thought you were trying to purposely get on his good side.”
“Throw him off the track?”
“Something like that.”
Frustration poured through every inch of Kyleea’s body. She stopped pacing and clenched her fists, her eyes closed. She had learned to handle situations like this in one way or another over the years, ones that demanded every last inch of mental control she had not to lash out or fall apart… or both. It would pass.
“Are you all right?”
Kira’s voice snapped Kyleea out of her thoughts. “Unfortunately building quality relationships is not something that comes naturally to me. Of course, having someone think you’re the enemy doesn’t tend to help.” A large sigh ran through her body. “The fact that Odo is your friend – and Julian’s and Dax’s – says to me that this is someone I should get to know. Even if it’s hidden under suspicion and anxiety… and a little nausea at the thought of the suspicion. To have that cut off is…”
“Aggravating?” Kira offered, her immediate concern fading. “Well, people have been known to get Odo to change his mind. Not often, but with enough evidence and dogged persuasion it has happened.”
“You really think you could help?” Kyleea grabbed the back of the chair in front of her. Why was this suddenly so important? What was it about this man who doubted her character to the bone that drew her in?
“Well, Odo can be rather stubborn if he gets it into his head to be so… how long do I have?”
“I’m here for two weeks.”
“In that case, no time like the present,” Kira sighed herself, heading for the door. “And it might not be a bad idea to ask the Prophets for a little extra guidance,” she added, nodding towards the prayer wheel.
“Thank you, Nerys. Do you have any plans for dinner? Maybe we could meet up to further assess the situation?”
A laugh broke through Kira’s smile as the doors opened. “I’ll ask Dax to join us – she’ll love this sort of thing. And if nothing else it’ll give me an excuse to cancel my dinner with Shakaar.”
“The First Minister?”
Kira hesitated before giving a somewhat regretful nod. “The one and only.”
“Ah… I take it he’s the source of your problem.”
“Yes, but as I said: mine leaves in the morning.”
=^=
Part of her was screaming to get up and do something productive. The rest of her, the part currently curled up on the couch relaxing, was telling that loud, obnoxious part to shut the hell up. She had found out rather quickly that shutting her mind off from the world was the surest way to actually get the rest and relaxation she had been pushed into. Instead her mind focused on the muscles in her legs, her arms, her entire body as they let go of built up tension and tiredness.
A small vase of flowers on the far table caught her eye and she let her gaze be pulled into it. Everything else fell out of focus and drifted away. Eventually even the flower itself lost cohesion as the muscles in her eyes relaxed and drifted over the vague arrangement of color left. Kyleea ignored the thoughts stirring inside of her, let her own mind detach itself. It was her first real break since … since the Alexandria had crashed?
No, that can’t be right. That was almost seven years ago. Her mind raced through the time; if nothing else, surely she would have been ordered to do so. Of course, that’s why I’m here now.
The muscles in her body relaxed even further, into an easiness she had long forgotten existed. She was so used to carrying herself a certain way, of having her neck tensely guide her entire posture and movement like a marionette. Her shoulders always slightly straightened, slightly on guard. No wonder she took such care to work herself to the point of exhaustion so often – in the end, it was the only true sign that she had reached her limit. It also had the added bonus of keeping the dreams at bay, dreams of previous lives, of things left unfinished, of abrupt endings.
It was something she had been dreading ever since Breck had forced her on this leave. She had spent too many years dealing with keeping her sanity intact by pouring herself into her career and only the Askorzik she had recently started taking had any impact on helping her maintain Balance.
The need to visit the head eventually forced her up from the couch, stumbling through the quarters. Every muscle felt leaden, relaxed and under no persuasion to come back to work again. A sonic shower helped to revive them and Kyleea felt the rest of the day settling in around her.
=^=
Diam lined up for a game of springball by herself. She had consulted the computer and found that it was indeed possible, more a game of precision and accuracy against certain targets the computer randomly assigned on the court.
The first two serves had been direct marks and less than satisfying. She felt the frustration she had pushed aside boiling up inside her. So much of her life had been confusion lately. Her disinterest in her position had been growing with each day, each survey and report. When she had taken her post onboard the Roddenberry, it had been with great anticipation and not more than a bit of apprehension. Her role as Chief Science Officer had been a natural fit, but serving also as First Officer had been another matter. Each day, the assignment had proven itself to be less and less of a challenge and more and more of a routine. Something that somehow clung to her even while she was off-duty.
The third serve flew against the wall, ricocheting back for a target behind her, and she swung again to increase its momentum. The ball hit its mark and, with the extra spin Kyleea had added, flew back and smacked her in the thigh.
That is definitely going to leave a bruise, Kyleea thought, looking down at her leg.
A few rounds later, another ball hit her square in the face. But that pain didn’t matter any more. The only pain was what had been growing inside of her, the bruises that only she could see.
Kyleea threw herself into each swing, pushing herself to exhaustion. There would be many bruises to show for this workout, and she hoped none of them would be visible enough to need explanation.
“Kira to Diam.”
Kyleea leaned up against the wall and slid down to the floor, catching her breath. “Go ahead, Nerys.”
“How does 2000 hours at the Celestial Café sound? It’s a new Bajoran restaurant on the Promenade.”
“Sounds great. I haven’t had decent Bajoran food since the last time I visited my parents.”
“They live on Bajor?”
“One of the colonies on Bajor VIII, actually. They moved there a few years back with my brother.”
“Learn something every day… All right, see you later?”
“I’ll bring my appetite.”
=^=