TRIGGER WARNING: Please note this story deals with suicide and addiction.
Still well before the traditional lunch rush, there was no need to rush to save a table. Kyleea leaned up against the wall, scanning the Promenade quickly becoming a habit. But she wasn’t waiting long before she saw Julian heading over from the Infirmary. She waved almost shyly, hand barely moving from her hip as she tried to avoid drawing any extra attention.
*I can still hear you, you know.*
The voice inside her mind startled her, alien from Diam and yet familiar. *Some warning might have been nice,* she thought, glaring at him. *I’m not used to this yet.*
Bashir shrugged innocently, but she could feel a thread of guilt and apology from him.
“Well, I don’t know about you but I’m starving,” Kyleea said, changing the subject and eager to hear her voice spoken as they stepped up to the replicator. “One Argendi sandwich. Egrus on the rocks.”
“Egrus?” Julian asked, glancing over her shoulder as the order appeared. There was a tall glass of some liquid that seemed to fizz and bubble… and it seemed to be glowing an almost radioactive shade of green. “Are you sure, uh, that’s not detrimental to your health?”
“You could always give it a try; find out for yourself. But you’d have to get your own; this one’s mine.” She lifted the glass and took a sip. “Ahhh. That’s perfect.”
He eyed her closely, waiting for any side effects to kick in. She seemed to be fine, and also thoroughly enjoying it, but …
“Come on, Doctor. The Infirmary’s right over there; I’m sure you’ve got a top notch crew that can treat you if things go south.”
“Very reassuring,” he lied with a slight incline of his head. A large sigh cleared his body as he stepped up to order. “Chicken salad sandwich, rye bread. And… Egrus on the rocks.”
“Careful; with that much enthusiasm, people will think you’ve just signed your own death sentence,” Kyleea added from behind her own glass, just as Julian lifted the drink to his lips.
He studied her face, recognizing what he was beginning to think was a mischief inherent to Trills, and quickly took a sip before stepping over to their table. “Just promise you’ll come to my funeral.”
“Deal.”
A few moments passed in silence as they ate, Kyleea focused on trying to find something to talk about and Julian still contemplating the beverage in his hand even as his tastebuds acclimated quickly to it.
*So is there any kind of etiquette to this?* Kyleea finally asked silently.
Julian shrugged as he took a bit of his sandwich. *I’m not sure. We’d probably have to talk to a Betazoid or Cairn to really know.*
*Hmm. I’ve never met a Cairn. I suppose if their primary form of communication is telepathic, they’re probably more than accustomed to it.*
Kyleea wiped her mouth as she set down her own sandwich, and reached for her drink.
*All gone, I’m afraid,* Julian noted as she raised her glass. He felt the look of utter disappointment that flashed over his face an instant before it actually did.
“Don’t worry,” he said quickly, pushing his own glass over to her. “You can have _mine_.”
“All right, all right – it’s an acquired taste,” Kyleea acquiesced, quickly taking the glass and another big sip. “I wouldn’t have gotten through the Academy without it.”
“Careful,” Julian whispered, using the same tone Garak had on so many occasions when spinning his tales. A quick glance around the Replimat drove home his point. “Someone’s likely to catch on to your secret identity.”
The chill down her spine stiffened and straightened it in an instant. Suddenly it felt as if there were a dozen pair of eyes on her, hunting her. She forced a smile and forced a shaky hand to raise the drink again, drowning the rest of the glass in a gulp. Her eyes drifted close as the liquid coursed down her throat, but it didn’t help.
*Hey, what’s wrong?*
His voice was so familiar in her head, and yet there had always been so many voices in her head since Joining. She put the glass down, reaching to pinch the bridge of her nose to let the feeling pass.
The snap of a tricorder broke her thoughts. *You don’t need to scan me, Julian.*
*The hell I don’t. I knew that stuff was too unnatural a color.*
A chuckle escaped her lips even as a weariness settled over her. The anxiety of being watched was finally ebbing, and she carefully stepped back into her right mind. “It had nothing to do with the Egrus. It’s just the Diam symbiont can be a little… overwhelming at times.”
“Are you sure? I’m not detecting any signs of imBalance. Maybe we should get you over to the Infirm…”
“I’m fine, Julian, really. No test you can run is going to do anything other than waste both our time. Every Joining’s different; I just seemed to draw the high maintenance straw.”
Julian clapped the tricorder shut, still not willing to accept she was fine. *You know, I can also easily tell easily when you’re lying, right?*
*Makes sense. Also makes sense then that you can tell I’m not right now.*
He slumped back in his chair, still studying her and weighing his next options.
*You’re not going to give up, are you?* she asked him, mimicking his posture and leaning back in her chair.
“Probably not,” he acknowledged, leaning forward again. “Look, Kyli…”
“Infirmary to Doctor Bashir. Medical emergency. Please report to Docking Pad C immediately.”
She saw the briefest flash of irritation on his face before he slipped back into his role as the station’s CMO. “Acknowledged; on my way,” he said, tapping the badge as he rose from his seat. *We’re not finished with this, by the way,* he added, clipping the tricorder back into place. He reached from the tray, and Kyleea shooed him away.
“I’ve got it; go.”
A brief nod and he was headed toward the Docking Ring. Kyleea briefly wondered if there were any limitations on the distance their connection would work, but another wave of fatigue convinced her that maybe she needed to finish lunch by herself and just head back for a nap.
She drew a hand across her face and pinched her nose again, trying to keep herself from falling asleep before she could finish her lunch.
“Commander.”
“Constable.”
The shot of adrenaline seemed to wake every fiber of her body down to the last nerve ending. She hadn’t even noticed him slip into the chair Julian had so recently vacated, and the response had been automatic…
The smug smile on his face that he hid so poorly – or was it that he wasn’t trying to hide it – made her stomach turn. And yet, she was still alive, still sitting her across from him. So she was Starfleet. Fine, then she would *be* Starfleet.
“So now what? Satisfied you’ve figured out my secret?”
“Oh hardly. You see, Commander, it’s one thing not to advertise you’re Starfleet. I could even understand that to a point. But I’m still not convinced that’s the *only* thing you’re hiding.”
She couldn’t control the roll of her eyes. “Well, good hunting then,” she dismissed him, gathering the trays and standing to recycle them and leave.
“Not so fast,” he said, standing in sync with her and blocking her path. “First, I’d like to ask you some questions. For station security, you understand.”
A bubble of irritation and anger started to fill her veins, but it fizzled quickly. Her mind traced back over Julian’s scan; he hadn’t found anything, but she could tell something wasn’t quite right. Which meant she didn’t have the energy necessary to argue with the Constable any longer than was necessary.
“Fine,” she said, pushing the trays into him. “Recycle these and let’s get this over with.” A small part of her registered the triumph in seeing the utter confusion in his face, suddenly saddled with the trays, but the look when he turned back to her sucked it away.
=^=
“But it *is* the truth,” Kyleea said for what seemed like the tenth time, eyes fixated on the ceiling, looking for anything that would end this ridiculous line of questioning and disbelief.
“You expect me to believe that a high-ranking Starfleet officer would come to this station, with the Dominion at our door, just for a little R&R?”
“Well, I’m only a Commander, on a science vessel, so I wouldn’t really consider myself…”
“Answer the question.”
“Yes, absurd as it may seem.”
“Why?”
“Honestly? In case you hadn’t notice, even though I’m Trill, I worship the Prophets. I’m sure you’re well aware by now that I have family on Bajor VIII and a trip back to this system, to catch a glance of the Celestial Temple, that was too tempting to pass up.” Kyleea found herself leaning forward in her chair now, resting her arms on her knees, desperately trying to find a comfortable position. “If you still don’t believe me, check with my ship’s counselor. She’s the one who suggested it in the first place.”
“Save your drivel, Commander. I’ve met enough of you Starfleet type to know that if you really don’t like an order, especially from a counselor, you’ll take any opportunity to break it.”
“Maybe you haven’t met enough Starfleet officers,” she sniped back. “Seems to me you could benefit from getting to know a few counselors first yourself.”
Odo slammed the PADD he had been taking mock notes and fidgeting with into the desk before he registered what was happening. Why was he letting her get under his skin like this? He had certainly had his fair share of annoying and irritating discussions with Quark over the years; what was it that had him feeling like he was on the edge of being unhinged?
*At least Shakaar’s gone again,* he thought, trying to steady himself and play off his frustration as merely part of his technique. “This counselor you speak of, that would be Lieutenant Commander Irene Brecken…”
“Bashir to Diam.”
“Here!” she answered quickly, not giving Odo a chance to interject.
“Can I see you in the Infirmary please?” There was an awkward pause, and she wondered if he had checked in on her location first. “Immediately, I’m afraid.”
“Of course, on my way. Diam out.” She was out of her seat and standing in front of the doors that hadn’t yet opened for her. Another wave of irritation flooded through her, and she refocused it with the years of Starfleet training. “If that’s all right with you, of course, Constable.”
Odo harrumphed, punching his code into the terminal to release the door lock before bracing himself against the desk as she rushed through. What exactly could the good doctor need her for so urgently?
=^=
“Julian! By the Prophets, you don’t know what a savior you are. I’ve been stuck in his office for nearly three hours. Are all Bajoran security personnel that paranoid?”
She waited as he inputted something into a PADD and handed it off to one of his nurses. “Follow me please,” he said finally, an edge to his voice that brought back all the uneasiness she had fought to keep down earlier.
The room had all the markings of an isolation chamber, the type they used in cases of quarantine. “Look, Julian, you didn’t like the Egrus, I get it. How far are you going to…”
“I have a few things to ask; if you’ll just take a seat on the biobed.”
“By the Prophets, not you too. Between you and that Constable of yours, it’s worse than the Initiate Program.”
“The biobed. Please,” he added, retrieving another scanner from a nearby storage unit.
Kyleea hopped up on the bed, feeling a twinge in her leg that still hadn’t recovered from the brief treatment. But something told her this wasn’t the time to bring that up.
“I was looking into your medical records a little more, especially this new drug that helps you with the Balance.”
“Is something wrong? You said at lunch that all my levels…”
“Your isoboramine levels were fine,” he confirmed, scanning her once again. “They still are.”
Her gaze had been following the scanner as he moved it around her so it was several moments before she realized he was staring at her.
*These scans are just for show, aren’t they?*
*You could say that. This new drug you’re taking, it’s Askorzik, isn’t it.*
*Yes… what, wasn’t it listed in my medical records?*
“Just a moment, I’m getting some interference on this scanner. We’ll have to start again.” He retrieved another scanner and started the same process over again. *Where did you get it?*
*From a trader on Arus. We stopped there for some shore leave awhile back. All I managed to fit in was a trip to one of the local markets because I was trying to get some reports finished but…*
*Tell me about the trader.*
*I don’t know. Yuridian, seemed to be well-known around the market. Actually seemed like one of the more honest Yuridians I’ve met.*
*I wouldn’t be so sure about that.* He sat the scanner down, and made a show of reading through the results on a nearby readout. *Askorzik is another name for hypoambietic coine.*
*Coine? But why would…* There had been some mention of the substance in one of her sister’s reports, but the details eluded her. There was more to it though also; something she couldn’t quite remember but also sat with her all too heavily. Kyleea tried to shake the feeling and pushed herself off the biobed. “But, coine’s…”
“Illegal.” Julian kept his gaze fixed on the displays, and the numbers flew by so fast Kyleea wondered if he was actually doing anything or just hitting buttons.
A silence settled between them as Kyleea stumbled back to the biobed, pulling herself back up onto it with every ounce of strength she had left.
*I didn’t know, Julian. I swear. He said it was regulated, even offered to get me other contacts so I could trade for it along our missions.* A strong wave of dread hit her in the stomach…and apparently Julian’s as well. She watched as he braced himself against the console, trying to shake off the nausea. *Julian, what am I going to do?*
“You’re going to have to stop using it,” he said quietly.
“No! You don’t know what it’s…” Diam shouted, causing Julian to spin on his heel to face her. Kyleea took a breath, reeling back the fear spilling out. “This is the first time I’ve felt anything close to Joined, like what it must feel like for the others. It used to be a constant battle, just to keep the thoughts in control. To keep them from punching their way through whenever there was the slightest reminder or trigger. I can’t go back to that.”
“Then we’ll find a substitute,” offered Julian.
“There *is* no substitute!” Kyleea shouted again, her hands starting to dig into the side of the biobed. She could feel her control starting to seep away as the prospect of going back to the way things were coalesced in front of her. “You don’t think the Symbiosis Commission’s been working on this ever since Savin experienced imBalance? Two hundred years of research and *nothing.*”
“Look, Kyli,” he started, the impersonal façade dropping away as he approached her. “Maybe there’s something the Commission hasn’t thought of, something that we can come up with to…”
Her head shook in protest. “No, you don’t get it. You don’t understand.” She dropped the wall of her mind for a split second; any longer and she was afraid that too would be lost to her. His hand flew to his left temple a split second later, body swaying as his balance wavered.
“It…it doesn’t matter, Kyli. If you don’t stop using the coine, I’m going to have to report you. As it stands now, I should but we’ve got some play with how we present this *if* you stop now.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that, Doctor. I think it’s pretty clear how to present this case.”
The new voice sent a shiver again down her spine and a new set of fears started to grip her.
“Constable, I’m meeting with a patient. If you would just wait outside until we’re done here…”
“Oh, you’re already done here,” Odo said, stepping forward and clamping down on Kyleea’s arm. “Come on, I’ve got another quarantine room just waiting for you.”
“Odo, let her go.”
“Sorry, Doctor. You said it yourself, what she’s been doing is illegal.”
Julian tossed his PADD onto the console, the skittering echoing through the room. “I’m going to talk to Sisko about this.”
“Do that. I’m sure he’ll remind you that I’m in charge of station security, and that includes any visitors to the station. Let’s go,” he finished, dragging Diam from the room.
*Julian, I didn’t… I swear… Help us.*
Julian snapped his head up, concern lining his features. He had never heard Joined Trill refer to themselves with plural pronouns. And the fact that Diam had was more than a little unnerving. He pulled up the medical records, requesting access for the Symbiosis Commission’s full records as well, and loading them all through a PADD as he strode quickly up to Ops.
=^=
“Doctor, I understand your concerns, but I’m afraid there’s nothing we can do. The Constable filed a report about the Commander’s use of this hypoambietic coine as soon as he had confirmation, and the Symbiosis Commission has already reached out to say Diam must be weaned off as quickly as possible.”
“Of course they’d say that,” Bashir said, pacing the space in front of Sisko’s desk. “Look, I’m not here to debate if she broke regulations, but she belongs in the Infirmary, not in a detention cell.”
“I’ll talk to Odo about that. At the very least, he’ll have to left you monitor her conditions, but I can’t force him to release her given the evidence unless it’s to transfer her to the brig of a Starfleet vessel.”
“But we have to do something to *help* her. That’s all she was trying to…”
“Julian.”
He turned at the soft interruption, his shoulders dropping as he took one look at Jadzia’s face. His meeting had been delayed so Sisko and Dax could both get up to speed on the situation. Now he wondered if that made any difference.
“Benjamin’s right. Diam’s history has already been put at great risk once, and really ever since. It’s a large part of the reason there’s been so many issues over the years. For all Curzon’s talk about Dax, Diam is the one every initiate was truly warned about.”
“Then they should have done the same for Kyleea.”
“They did. From what I’ve been able to find out from my contacts on Trill, this wasn’t a random assignment. She *volunteered* for this.”
“Then she didn’t know what this was truly going to be.” His mind raced back to the pure chaos that had overcome him for a split-second in the Infirmary. *No one could.*
“Look, we could debate this all day. We all agree the Symbiosis Commission has made some questionable choices in how they conduct themselves, but it’s done.” With a silent nod of agreement from Dax, Sisko continued. “The best way to help her now, Doctor, is to keep an eye on her, make her comfortable, and see if there isn’t some way to help her manage whatever it is she’s going through without an illegal substance. I’ve made a call to Starfleet, and they’re prepared to send the nearest counselor if we think it’ll do any good.”
The struggle inside him was the same one he kept coming up against whenever he and Sisko saw things differently. Only now he had learned when to dig his heels in and when to cut and run so he could still try and come up with a resolution. Judging by the way Jadzia had sided against him, it seemed like the latter.
“All right. Let Odo know I’ll be by with a monitor. At least that’s one less hurdle.”
Sisko nodded. “Dismissed.”
*Don’t worry, Kyli; I’m not ready to give up that easily,* Julian thought, hands clenched as he headed for the turbolift.
=^=
The harsh flickering light of the forcefield reflected harshly off the cold gray walls of her cell, making it impossible to avoid no matter where she faced. So instead she had started staring directly at it, trying to apply scientific methods to determine anything about its frequency or technology that might distract her.
It wasn’t the hum of the forcefield that was distracting her, though; the voices had started their dim march to the front again. Between the dance rehearsal and randomness of the past day, she had forgotten to take her daily dose of medication and it was wearing off quickly.
As a stark contrast to the impending chaos of imBalance that was coming, the monotony of sitting there with nothing to do and no one to talk to was becoming unbearable. There had been a small break when Julian had stopped by to attach a medical monitoring unit to her, but he’d barely said a word beyond instructing her to lift her arm as a deputy looked on.
Even the Constable himself, once so interested in her, seemed far too busy now to question her. So she counted cycles of the forcefield, tried to guess the materials that made up every bit of the station, gave her full attention to figuring out why the Cardassians had insisted on large thresholds that demanded you step over them… but eventually she couldn’t delay it anymore.
For a moment, as her head hit the poor excuse for a pillow even by Starfleet standards, her body relaxed in relief. Her eyes fluttered shut, staring at the wall to give her some respite from the forcefield. Maybe rest was all she needed and this would all be sorted out tomorrow.
A chilling laugh floated up through her memories, but it was too late; sleep had already claimed her from the day’s chaos to force her into the chaos of her own memories.
=^=
She was ready. Too many people knew about the coine now, but she had to do whatever she could to prevent more from finding out. Nobody would understand; they would just give her the same pitying looks that had followed her for her entire life.
The shirt was tied loosely around her neck; it had been one of her favorites these past months, so it would be a comfort to her one more time. It would protect the symbiont the way only a great trauma like this could: by repressing the memories.
She yanked the knot tighter, feeling the constriction on her throat as if she were being punched repeatedly. Tears started to blur her eyes as memories flooded her body unrestrained. The drug had worn off, she had made sure of it so there would be no trace, but it also meant there was no longer anything left to stem the tide. Another knot secured, and she knew her world would soon be black forever. The tears weren’t the only thing blurring her vision now and she felt her body gasping for air.
They would be too late when they found her.
=^=