TRIGGER WARNING: Please note this story deals with suicide and addiction.
“Computer, bring up medical files on Commander Kyleea Diam.”
“Access denied.”
“Override. Authorization Odo-Four-Alpha-Six.”
“Access denied. Special clearance required.”
Odo pushed back in his chair, frustration digging in. She was in Starfleet; Bashir had as good as confirmed it, referring to her by rank so effortlessly. But then why did she seemed so determined to hide that fact? She had all but publicly reprimanded the doctor for the slip. Could she be working undercover – sent to DS9 to check up on someone Starfleet was concerned about? She had seemed unusually intent on avoiding him, staying many times just out of sight.
Scientist indeed. Odo leaned forward on his desk, peering out over the Promenade. Well, if Starfleet wanted to send someone in to watch his every move and wait for some slip up, the least he could do was return the favor. His mind drifted back to the look in her eyes when he had confronted her loitering on the Promenade. There was something still off about the crazed look that had infused her, something that made him question her motives and everything he was silently building in his mental profile of her.
“Hmph.” He leaned back, resting to one side. Out of habit, a hand rested in concentration against his mouth and tapped against it slightly as he continued to theorize. Starfleet was not careless about their reconnaissance and they had obviously prepared her well. But now that he was aware of it, he was not going to be fooled by her act again.
=^=
“Prophets, Julian, you could just ask me where it hurts instead of twisting every bone and muscle grouping in my body.” Kyleea winced in pain as he lifted her arm at the shoulder.
“Well, you’ve no broken bones; a few scrapes and cuts that we can take care of. If you can tell me why you think all of this happened in the first place, I might be able to suggest a better treatment.”
Kyleea looked up at the ceiling and shook her head at the coming embarrassment. “I tried to dance and over did it.”
“Tried?”
She sighed. This was not something she was eager to admit. “Well, I suppose there’s some humor to it actually because you would think within the span of eleven lifetimes, one of Diam’s host would have some ability to dance. Of course, you would be wrong because I don’t. I believe it must be a requirement for the hosts of the Diam symbiont – wanted: one compatible Trill to be Joined. Must have no dancing ability whatsoever.” A muscle in her arm twitched, and she stretched it out slowly, trying not to wince at the movement.
“I think you’re being a bit hard on yourself,” Bashir said, tapping a few controls on the tricorder before waving it over her arm. “Although I am a little concerned if you’re causing your muscles to seize up like that.”
“Well, I’m hoping practice with a real partner and not some discount program will make things go a little smoother. And I promise to take it easy, although I may need a note from my doctor to convince Dax to go easy on me. I mean, they’re coming to my quarters so it would be bad form to injure the hostess, right?” Kyleea asked, a smile spreading across her face.
Julian glanced up from the tricorder with a forced smile that barely made it halfway across his lips before disappearing again into an expression of concentration on the readings.
“Are we all done here?”
“Just about,” he said, stepping a bit closer. “I just need you to explain where this came from,” he added, pulling the sleeve up her arm.
“It’s nothing,” she answered quickly, trying to pull the sleeve back down.
“You’ve got a sizable bruise here on the back of your arm; judging by the coloring, there’s no way that could have formed so quickly after your fall.” He cautiously tested the skin.
Kyleea closed her eyes, hissing at the pain, and tried to pull her arm away but Julian caught her at the elbow. When there was no sound or movement, she opened her eyes and looked decidedly away from him.
“Now look, I can do something about this, but you’re going to have to tell me where this came from.”
A sigh of frustration escaped her lips. Naturally. He had managed to find one of the few bruises she’d lack the physical coordination to reach with the dermal regenerator. And she knew whether she explained it or not, there were going to be more questions.
“I was playing some springball and misjudged the angle of the ball.”
Julian stared at her, judged the matter-of-fact tone with which she made the statement. It was the truth… at least part of it. He recalibrated the tricorder and ran another pass over her.
“Julian, look…”
“I have a hard time believing your coordination is that bad. I’m reading a handful of other ‘missteps’ as well as nearly a dozen more that were treated.” He clapped the tricorder shut, holding it with both hands. “So, why don’t you explain it to me again.”
“I was playing target springball and misjudged the reaction time on some of the shots; it’s a little trickier in the solo games. I didn’t feel like stopping just from getting pelted a few times.”
“Stop,” Bashir said, stepping in front of her as she tried to hop off the end of the biobed. He felt her brace to challenge him on anything else he had to say. “Let me at least heal the other bruises.”
She nodded curtly and slid back on the biobed, hearing the hum of a dermal regenerator as he held her arm steady. Not that it mattered – any resistance in her muscles had drained away with her bravado. And now, without an argument to mask her feelings, she could feel tears welling up in her eyes.
“It can be hard to go it alone all the time.”
Her heart caught in her throat as his voice gently cut through the silence between them. There was compassion and, more than that, experience in his statement. And Kyleea knew that he was speaking in terms of things far greater than dancing and springball.
=^=
None of his… informal sources had been able to give him any information on Commander Kyleea Diam. Even Quark knew little about her. Asking Julian directly was too risky; he seemed to be too close of an acquaintance to give the information out without asking questions. And then possibly passing that information on.
He sent the communiqué to Starfleet Headquarters, officially requesting her file. If they sent it, he would have the information he needed or be able to piece together anything they deliberately left out. If they didn’t reply… well, then that would confirm his suspicions and be just as effective in getting him the answers he needed.
=^=
“I need a break,” Kyleea said, slumping into a chair and letting her head fall back.
“You’re doing great,” Jadzia said, taking a seat on the edge of the chair next to her. “You’ve got the tempo down and that’s the hardest thing to teach. You just need to loosen up and not worry so much about getting every little step right.”
Kyleea raised her head to look at Jadzia and stuck out her hand. “I’m sorry, have we met?”
“You know, Jadzia, you giving someone advice not to be such perfectionist is a bit like…” Julian paused.
“Like a Klingon giving diplomatic advice,” Kira added.
“Ha ha, you two,” Jadzia said with a smirk. “Although, Julian, I’d tread lightly if you can. You’re not exactly footloose and fancy free yourself.”
“Welcome to the club!” Diam said, lifting her feet into the air.
“Actually, that’s not a bad idea. Julian, why don’t you take over for a bit. I’m not entirely used to leading in this lifetime.”
Julian sprung up from his seat, energy coiled up inside of him from watching. “Sounds like a good idea to me… that is, if you’re up to it.”
“Well, my doctor did say I should take it easy…”
“Mmm, a wise man, but I’ve just checked with him and he thinks as a result of his expert care…”
“All right, all right, I’ll risk it,” Kyleea said, waving her hands in surrender as she forced herself up.
Bashir laughed as he took her hand. “I promise. We’ll keep working on the basic waltz. Computer, continue dance preset Dax-4.”
She barely noticed as he teased her into other dances, first mocking the moves before drawing her along into it. Slowly every point of contact, every pressured touch to correct her step started to seep through the concentration on her steps, but she refused to look anywhere but down at their feet.
“You’re still concentrating on the steps too much, Kyli,” Julian whispered as he pulled her up from a dip.
The statement echoed her own thoughts precisely and brought her gaze snapping up to his as the music cycled back to the waltz. Her worries about trampling his feet or tripping over furniture vanished into the music and they easily traveled around the meager space in the room. The feel of his hand around hers melted in and away at the same time, bringing their steps into unison with one another.
The twinge started in her calf this time, slowly wrapping itself forward around her leg. She felt it seize up as the next step hit the floor and dug her grip into Julian’s arms to steady herself.
“Another leg cramp?” Julian asked, assessing the situation. “Maybe we did get a little carried away. Come on, let’s get you… over to the couch, here,” he added, searching around them for the nearest piece of furniture. “So, Jadzia, how did we do?”
Kyleea fell onto the couch less than gracefully, favoring her leg, but when Julian’s question met with no answer, she scanned the room. “Computer, when did Dax and Kira leave?”
“2317 hours.” “What time is it now?” Bashir asked, replicating a muscle relaxant.
“2404.”
She felt herself freeze in shock. How had neither of them even noticed? Bashir walked over and kneeled next to her, pushing a hypospray against the cramped muscle.
“I’m giving you a relaxant to relieve the cramping, but also a boost of electrolytes. I think you may have a mild case of dehydration.”
A blink and she was suddenly aware again that Julian was talking to her. “Right… right. I am a bit thirsty. Maybe I’ll… I’ll get a glass of water before going to bed.”
Julian stood as she got up and walked past him to the replicator. “Right, I’ll… uh… just be going then.”
“Good night, Julian.”
“Right, good night.” He started for the door, trying to sort through the sudden distance between them. But as the doors opened, he paused and turned around. She hadn’t ordered the glass of water from the replicator yet. In fact, she was just standing there, staring at the matrix. Slowly, he took a step back into the room, still fidgeting with the empty hypospray vial in his hands. “Kyli? Is everything all right?”
Her hands tightened around the edge of the replicator. Was everything all right? It never had been, so why should today be any different? And yet, despite some of the miscues, her time here had been relatively pleasant. What had changed that so dramatically?
“Kyleea?”
Run! It was Poljiara’s voice this time, urging her to escape. How had he gotten so close without her even noticing? The surprise of it still echoed in her muscles, tensed and coiled. She spun to face Julian, and Diam noted with some small sense of satisfaction that he took the smallest step back. But as she scanned his face, there was only concern and Kyleea felt the fight drain out of her.
The portal drew her in once again and she walked over to it, unable to face him. She drew herself up, crossing her arms across her chest and holding her chin high – the appearance of strength if nothing else. The years of regrets and possibilities flashed before her; hidden, stolen moments… memories she had thought buried and long forgotten breaking through. Things she could have said, things she could have done… so many had been tread over by safety and moves toward a less complicated life. A life that would not cause tones of pity when the symbiont’s history was discussed. “I… it’s not as easy a question to answer as it should be.”
“Life questions, when people take the time to truly answer them, rarely are. Real life gets complicated and there’s nothing wrong with that.” Julian took a few steps toward her, leaning against the bulkhead on the other side of the portal.
“It’s just that… you would think being Joined, I wouldn’t be so concerned about time. But, in some way, I feel its presence more acutely now that I ever did.” A smirk spread across her lips. “The irony being, of course, that I waste a considerable amount of time worrying about wasted time.”
Bashir chuckled and shook his head. “I wish I had some cosmic words of advice for you but, to be honest, I’m usually on the receiving end of such pearls of wisdom.”
“It’s all right, I don’t want you to say anything. I don’t know what it is I’d want to hear anyway.” Kyleea let her arms fall down to her side, tugging at the ends of her sleeves. Everything she had done had been by her own logical, conscious hand. There was no one to shuffle blame on to, no one else to accept the consequences. She took a few steps until she was standing directly against the portal’s bulkhead and met Julian’s gaze through the reflection.
“I guess is started after I was Joined. It was – it always has been – difficult for me. I knew what being Joined meant… what it could mean; what Trill doesn’t. Somehow I thought it would cure me of my shortcomings, like a magical elixir that takes away pain and fear.” A smile tugged at her lips, remembering the optimism she had back then. “I’ve always been rather reserved when it comes to the non-Starfleet side of my life. Ask the handful of people I ever really talk to about it, and they’ll agree. So the thought of sharing my thoughts… myself… so intimately with those of a symbiont was daunting. Maybe that’s why I went ahead with it, to take that dive into the deep end. Prophets know I even managed to convince myself it was what I wanted long enough to get the thing in me.”
There was silence as the pain and joy mixed together from Joining washed over her. She noticed Julian studying her carefully and wondered how different a perspective this must be for him, to know Joining was not always the crowning glory Trill society had built it up to be. Her hands found the sill of the portal, supporting her as she leaned forward.
“At first, it was overwhelming. The symbiont had full reign, unchecked, and all the memories came crashing in,” Kyleea continued, a shudder catching her at the chaos there had been. “It was awhile before the Symbiosis Commission could offer me any help and even longer still before I learned to cope with it. I had to learn how to segregate my thoughts from those of the symbiont. It’s not something most Joined Trill understand; for them, Joining was a homecoming of sorts, like being welcomed into some intimate extended family. For me, it was like being welcomed into an interrogation room.”
“But you’ve learned to deal with it?” Julian asked as she paused again.
“More or less with the help of some medication. I’m caught somewhere in the middle now, Joined and yet not. Both jockey for position every minute of every day, and I’ve come to terms with the fact I may never be able to reconcile it within myself.” She felt the weight rising in the back of her throat again, the telltale knot of despair threatening to consume her. There had been times she had savored it, to feel just how deep the emotions in her could run, but now it was to be swallowed, pushed back down and kept in check.
“I know it can be tempting, only letting people see the parts you think they want to.”
Kyleea opened her eyes and looked at Julian, now standing mere inches away and gazing out the portal as if they were on opposite sides of the room. His words had broken her out of the spiral she was facing and pulled her back, startling her back into her senses.
“The problem with that, of course, is losing track of who you really are,” Julian continued. He met her gaze in the reflection of the portal as she had done before turning to face her directly with a wry smile.
“I think have the lead in expertise on that one, Julian,” Kyleea said, raising an eyebrow in challenge. “I am, after all, more than 400 years older than you.” She patted his cheek before turning away from the portal.
Julian opened his mouth to speak but closed it after a moment, turning away from her. “Well, I should… I should be going. It’s getting late, and I know your doctor would advise you to get some rest.” He took a few forced steps toward the door before stopping. “Maybe we could have lunch together tomorrow?”
Kyleea pinched the bridge of her nose, closing her eyes against the fatigue starting to wash through her. The words had barely registered when moments later the silence of the room cut through and she turned quickly. “Julian,” she called, just as he reached the doors. “Lunch sounds like a great idea.”
The grin that split his face brought one to her own face. “I’ll contact you in the morning once I know how my day’s shaping up and we can decide on the details.”
She nodded and tried to hold onto the tiny bolster of emotion. But the sense of happiness now… even that brought its own course of sadness. She had almost succeeded in pushing him away, keeping him at that safe distance she relegated everyone to. The weight of it overcame her, taking advantage of her tiredness, and she fought to breathe and swallow the sobs that materialized. Why had she pushed him away like that? There had been nothing but kindness and friendship in his actions.
Back to the view out the portal, her eyes lost their focus among the stars. She refused to blink or tears would fall, and muscles trembled in their effort to prevent it. This was precisely the reason she had avoided vacation for so long, and that was something Breck hadn’t understood… or perhaps something she had understood all too well.
The door chimed and Kyleea felt a vein of irritation ripple through her. It was late, she was tired… “Who is it?” she asked curtly.
“Julian.”
“Enter,” she said, squeezing her eyes tightly shut for an instant to lock away any tears. “Did you forget something?” she asked as lightly as she could manage.
“No. At least… not exactly.” He paused, unsure himself why he was here. But she seemed so… so much like how he had been ten odd years ago. It was strange to find that in a Joined Trill, especially with such an established host. And yet, the medical records had made note of the instabilities in previous hosts, the fifth host especially. Significant enough to warrant a permanent warning regarding her mental state. He had bristled when he had reread that today; why hadn’t more been done to help Kyleea? Fluctuations in isoboramine levels had to have some treatment steadier than the benzocyatic regimen the Symbiosis Commission had first prescribed.
“There’s something I want you to know about me, something that maybe someday will help you let me be a friend.” He closed the distance between them and took her hand.
“Julian, I already consider you a…”
You’re not the only one with demons to bear.
She took a step back, glancing from his face down to the hand he still held tightly. But he’s Human. This doesn’t make sense.
I’m sorry, I didn’t know if it would actually work otherwise I would have warned you. It’s been so long since anyone’s actually heard me, but when I read in your file that you have some telepathic ability with your sister…
Since when are Humans telepathic? As she thought-asked the question, she felt the wave of sadness he diverted with a smile.
I’m not an ordinary person, he thought-said. Julian looked down at their joined hands before adding, It’s not something I can talk about.
Kyleea paused, searching the tenuous link and finding only regret and fear. And wondered how much of it belonged to each of them. A hiccup of the sadness she had once again pushed down forced its way through, and Julian jerked his head up to look at her once again.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…” She tried to let go of his hand, to take a step back.
But he wouldn’t let go. It’s all right, it’s why I’m here. You don’t have to worry about letting me in, because I’m already there.
Warm feelings of comfort and security soared through her, breaking down what was left of her wall. Years of tears saved up from joyous births and marriages, from tragedies and funeral services for people she had served with and known nearly half her life, tears from the pain the symbiont sometimes caused her… they all spilled silently out. She searched for an end to the reservoir that fed them and found none.
This time, though, the thoughts were not met with her own resentment but acceptance. She felt Julian draw her into his arms, not resisting the comfort it provided or the emotions continuing to course through her.
=^=
She awoke, pulse racing, and tried to make sense of the dimmed lights above her. What had happened? She shifted and realized she wasn’t alone. Julian. That was right, he had come back. She glanced over and pitied the uncomfortable looking position he had managed to arrange himself into on the couch. Part of her wanted to get up and move, allow him the chance to find a more comfortable position… but his steady breathing and the general peacefulness emanating from him slowly lulled her back to sleep, back to dreams, back to memories.
What was she doing? Did she really want this… thing put inside her? How would it change her? The Symbiosis Commission couldn’t ever really answer that; every Joining was different. But it wasn’t a question of want anymore but one of need. She needed to do this; it was expected of her. Few people got this privilege and Fate seemed to have deemed her one of the lucky ones.
She felt them make the incision through the detachment of the neural anesthetic. She had convinced them well, so well they had approached her about accepting the Diam symbiont. Every Initiate had heard the stories about what a risk it was, the challenge the next host would face when the time came. It was an added honor to be evaluated as capable of handling a symbiont with such a volatile history. Suicidal tendencies, mental stress, imBalance; she would take it all on in a matter of moments. The life she had, the life she had known for twenty-one years, the person she had been… would be gone. Only this new person would remain.
There; they were pulling open the entry point, introducing the symbiont into her abdominal cavity. She could feel the first tentative squirms as it sought its new home.
Only this wasn’t what she wanted. She wanted them to stop, to…
It was too late. Hazed in panic and fear, the Joining was completed, the transition made. The anesthetic that had held off the pain faded away and new memories started to surface, drowning her in details. The barriers went up, but they would not be shut out. Her mind screamed out under the weight of it… and then it was over. The Balance had formed.
There was the touch of a hypospray against her neck, medication to level out the Balance and she felt the influence at the corners of her mind, slowly bringing Kyleea and Diam closer.
And she shivered.
And she woke up.
She studied the silence, but there was nothing to indicate anyone else was in her quarters. Slowly she opened her eyes and pushed herself up from the couch, stretching out the stiffness in her muscles.
“Computer, time.”
“1047 hours.”
Kyleea pawed at the tension in her neck. “I guess I would have left too.”
“You have one message waiting.”
“Display on screen,” she commanded with a yawn before hobbling over to the console. The effects of the relaxant had faded and left a small amount of stiffness.
Had to leave. Small medical emergency. Don’t forget about lunch. Say 1100 – Replimat? A bit on the early side, but my afternoon’s filling up with appointments.
Hope you slept well.
Julian
She keyed off the message and leaned against the console, her mind flying through the previous night. The dancing, the talking, the… communicating. She still struggled to wrap her mind completely around how he could communicate with her in the first place. He was Human, and she had never heard anything to indicate there was any bit of some telepathic race in his heritage.
“Computer, time,” she ordered again, clearing her head with a shake.
“1051 hours.”
Good. That left her nine minutes.
Nine minutes to shower, dress and make her way halfway across the station onto the Promenade.
Calm down, you’ve done quicker changes back on the Roddenberry. This is one thing you’ve always excelled at.She flew as fast as sore muscles would carry her into the head, hopping out of her clothes as she went. The quickest cycle the sonic shower could manage and a change of fresh clothes pulled from the closet bolted her momentarily into alertness.
“Computer, time!” she barked as she headed for the door.
“1056 hours.”
A grumble from her stomach made her pause, wanting to grab a quick bite of food before leaving… leaving for lunch.
Kyleea rolled her eyes and pulled her hair back into a clip, stepping over the threshold into the corridor with time to spare.
=^=